I've read posts here with a great deal of pain, on and off, for the better part of 6 years. I need information to cope with difficulty, a human nod to the need to control the uncontrollable. I'd take breaks when the pain of reading how sexual neglect made all of you feel, outweighed the utility of the information that I am so not alone.

Mine is not a dead bedroom. It's neglected. Sex 15 times a year, give or take 5, for which I perhaps should be somewhat grateful after reading some of the stories here. I think, though, this nearly dead bedroom has expired because the small doses of sex are harder than no sex at all. And, the sex is vanilla and devoid of any of the things I've clearly communicated are important to me to make sex fun. It sometimes causes real pain to actually have sex and have it not be about what I've communicated at all, even down to simple kissing. I think the sex itself is sometimes more painful than the lack of it.

I've spent so many anxious days and nights wondering why, or when. I've grieved through incredible times together spent in places we are lucky to go, but without any interest in sex or any sex while there. Vacations are a unique crucible of pain.

I've come to realize that the incredible life we've built together - functional, kind children, a good career doing meaningful work - can't erase the sadness that is built-in from knowing my needs will never be met in this marriage. Not even at the things most central to us - graduations of our children, having time to do things together that we enjoy - they are all tinged with sadness, and knowing full happiness will always be fleeting, is a very difficult reality to accept.

Through all of the hand-wringing we al share here, I hope the next thoughts hope someone.

We can stay in a situations where the reality of it is continually denied because they don't share our needs and perspective about sex. Or, we can change it unilaterally no matter whether they are willing or not. We all know what those changes could be. I can't pretend to be in a place that does not exist, and for me, it's no longer a sexual marriage because I just don't really care if it is or isn't once or twice a month. It's all too painful. Grieving the loss of even that sex that's not good for my soul, is easier than to keep having sex her way, on her schedule.

I'm choosing to stay because I said I would, no matter what. I'm no hero. The fall-out of leaving would be too much for me to bear, so it's selfish too. I've made my own bed. Sexual incompatibility is a real societal problem, and it can ruin lives. You have to listen to your partner or it's all a facade. My facade is over. Sex is too painful, so I'll have to stop having it and focus on the the things we excel at, which are not scarce. There's good stuff there, and she's my best friend, so that's where I can lean.

Happy and healthy 2024 to all reading - if you've posted here, I've maybe read it and it made a difference for me. I hope this does the same :)