TLDR. A couple that knows my wife and I very intimately had a conversation with me about my DB last night. It was very constructive to hear a LL speak their perspective while the HL partner sat right there occasionally chiming in. I know the HL is experiencing the same frustrations as I am and I found myself over and over responding in a way that I hoped conveyed what that partner is feeling, never being disingenuous but saying the things to their partner that they can’t/won’t say themselves. What would you say to a LL spouse of a close friend that would demonstrate (1) HL are not “defective” and (2) sex for the HL is a key component to how they value themselves?

I have known the HL spouse for over 20 years - my LL spouse and I “celebrate” our 23rd anniversary in two days for comparison. They have been our best friend for all that time, this is the second marriage for both and we fully support and honor their relationship. Like nearly all of us, the first couple of years of marriage were off the charts followed by a rapid decline in frequency, intensity and diversity - for lack of a better word my friend has confided to me. Last night around the firepit the latest chapter (possibly last?) of my relationship was discussed, I had sent them a request that I needed advice and gave a short narrative. Now I think our situations are only similar in the HL w/ LL partner dynamic and the key reasons for the LL spouses lack of interest are different but it sure was insightful to hear the explanation and justification(s). If you had a similar opportunity, would you and how would you express your feelings to either?

TBH: My very basic takeaway was the LL does not think that they are “the problem“ because they don’t think there is such a thing as HL/LL. Their expressed position was that “if you love your spouse, you would never ask for something that they don’t want to do and because sex is about entering (their) body, to do so is completely, objectively wrong.” When I countered that it is perfectly reasonable for two people to have different levels of sexual need and interests, that there is nothing broken in the partner that has a stronger more active desire and by their limitation the lower libido acts as a gatekeeper, they were actually quite shocked. They could not reconcile that one partner could control sexual intimacy by proxy and it was really offensive to suggest that “loving your partner” in the way they presented it was a single vector in only their direction. Thoughts?