** Update **

Well, it finally happened. We got into it this morning after I missed her trying to initiate by touching me with her toe. I'd like to take a moment to note that i do not have a foot fetish. When I thought she was still asleep, as this was a normal thing for her to do in her sleep. I spend a lot of time lying next to her awake. That's how I know. This year started with what I thought would be the revival of our bedroom. I finally sat down and told her how I was feeling. Unfortunately, this brought out my depression. After the last year of faslighting and assuring me, she was still attracted to me and just needed more help with the baby and housework, etc. I jumped into it. Coming home from a night shift on very little sleep and taking care of the baby for 2-4 hours every morning so she could sleep more. Note that at this point, I hadn't had more than 4 hours of sleep in 6 months. I'm still listening to her tell me how tired she is after 8 hours of sleep. At this point, I was willing to try anything, so we started couples counseling. During this time, I was laid off from work with no notice. We had planned for me to take a bit of parental leave at some point, but it came up in therapy that she was mad at me for not having a job. Laid off because the business went under great not only am I unemployed against my will but my wife is mad at me for it now. Okay, let's fix that. After 6 weeks, i started a new job that had me working 13h days 7/week. Great, now I don't do anything but work. There is no time for intimacy. Season ended for the year. I have guaranteed employment next season, and I found d another job in under 2 weeks. Great things should be going great. Now for the breakdown. At the beginning of the year, I told her I needed to feel desired and for her to be enthusiastic about sex. That has not happened once we have been having sex but it's the hollow duty sex like there now leave me alone. It's to the point I rarely cum now. After fighting this am and still feeling like she doesn't care about me being satisfied I just wanted to be alone when she got home. I headed to my office in the basement to just be alone and not put any pressure on her. She comes in and asks me whats wrong. Nor.ally i just answer having a bad day ill be fine. Tonight i guess id had enough so i told her. Well this lead to her finally answeri g why she doesnt want to have sex with me. She is no longer attracted to me. I ha e gained a couple pounds over the last 15 years. Earlier this year I had started going to the gym but my anxiety made it so I only made it about a month. I did however lose 40 lbs this summer and legit only weight a few pounds more than she does. Also I directly asked her if she was still attracted to me and she clearly stated no multiple times earlier this year. She refuses to admit that was a lie even after admitting it to me. Extreme gaslighting. She has no desire to try and save our marriage and I'm not fucking superman. I packed my clothes and told her of she actually wants to fix this she can contact me otherwise I'm going to the lawyers in the morning to file for divorce. She didn't even try to stop me. I'm currently sitting in my truck on the side of the highway waiting for a text or call. Contemplating driving this truck off the fucking bridge. Wish me luck everyone. I hope yall have better luck than me.

Update:

The last couple days have been hard. We had a fight the next morning again. It got really bad. It was more of the same round in circles. I lost my shit for a bit. She left for work. Once I finally calmed down I really realized what she meant when she said she wasnt attracted to me. It wasn't so much me physically that she wasn't attracted to. It was the way I presenting the problem.

After trying for so long to get her to understand what I was saying and failing miserably, might I add. I stopped viewing it as US VS. THE PROBLEM. I was coming at it from the standpoint of HER VS. ME. I would shut down if I was denied intimacy. Sometimes for days at a time. I would withdraw from my family into my small little world in the office. My safe place if you will. This overtime resulted in the problems going from just sex to other aspects of our relationship. I didn't even realize it at first. My past trauma wouldn't let me. When she would ask me what was wrong, I would either stay silent, unable to bring myself to share the thoughts I was having at the time or with anger. My doctor suggested I read The Body Keeps the Score. If you keep an unbiased mind and read beyond some of the references, it really hit home with how my stress responses work.

When she got home from work, she was just like she was in the beginning of our relationship. I had begrudgingly told myself that at that point, I was done. I was not going to show her any affection. I would remain in my office when at home and only come out to play with my son and talk with my mother. I was not going to engage her or give her affection. I wanted to show her what it felt like to lack something that has meaning to you.

As soon as our son was asleep, I retreated to my office. After about an hour, she came down to talk. I completely ignored her to start with as she did not have anything meaningful to say. She finally told me she didn't want a divorce and wanted to fix things between us. I told her that I thought I understood what she meant and told her that I realize I still need to lose some weight as I haven't been happy in my own skin for a while. I also realized that my appearance isn't the main thing that is no longer ger attractive.

When we met I was full of confidence and felt like I could handle anything the world had to throw at me. Overtime I lost that confidence. I lost my self worth from repeated rejection due to stress and life in general. I was a shell of the man she fell in love with. It wasn't the 40 pounds I still need to lose. It was the lack of confidence and self respect that was no longer attractive. I know she has her own body image issue regardless of the fact that I tell her everyday how sexy I think she os and that's the reason I always want her. I have started working out again. My anxiety is still to much for me to make use of a gym membership, but I have some weights here and a fitness training subscription so I can make enough progress to hopefully curb the anxiety. She has always made me want to be the best version of myself possible. I just let the years make me complacent and not try as hard as I should. I want to be better for myself my son and for her. I want to make this work for my sons sake. I want to be able to show him how a man treats a woman and I want my wife to show him how a woman should treat a man.

I grew up in an abusive household. I don't need any sympathy nor do I want it. I came to peace with what happened a long time ago. She grew up in a very loving family. I don't think she will ever really understand what happened. I've told her some things. Well the "survivor story" version of things anyway. I doubt I will ever be able to talk about what actually happened. That would involve letting it out of the place it lives in my head. That would mean reliving it and I don't feel I will ever be strong enough to do that. I am finally in a place where I can own my side of things completely.

I was still quite resigned to giving her any affection, but I admit that after the talk we ended up making out pretty hard for a while. She went back to the living room to watch TV for a bit. I was having mixed feelings. I wanted her so badly in that moment because I could feel the connection that we used to have. The passion that made us fall in love in the first place. I was giddy, but at the same time I couldn't shake the feeling that I shouldn't act on it. Like a little voice tugging at the back of my mind saying don't do it. I went to go to bed and she followed me. To my surprise she started coming on to me very heavy. I went to pull my sweater off and no sooner than I had pulled it over my head she had my dick in her mouth. For the first time in years I felt wanted and desired. Like I actually had something to offer the world. We went at it like teenagers for about an hour. She got off over and over again and I could tell she was actually enjoying herself and not just doing it to make me happy. I didn't get off and she looked visibly concerned. I told her it was just my meds. SNRI terrible fucking things they are. To my surprise she offered to let me cum.on her face and chest. Something I've been asking for for years but she always denied it because it's messy. It was getting late and I wanted her to be able to get a good night's sleep and not have to sleep with my cum dried and her face and chest. I try to be a considerate lover. Besides it isn't just about getting off I really just wanted the connection.

I confided in her about the nagging feeling. She wasn't defensive or hurt for once. She just tried to assure me that it's normal and okay to have mixed feelings. I didn't learn proper coping skills as a child so I struggle handling emotions sometimes. It personally scares me that I can experience a feeling like that for the love of.my life and mother of my child. Even through all.of this I have always felt she is my best friend. The only thing is bestfriends don't usually sleep in the same bed and raise children together. I was resigned to sleeping on the futon in my.office when this started. So I was going to take part of that out of the problem. I think this opened both of our eyes to really seeing the things we were doing to eachother. After we finished talking she told me that if our son wakes up at 5 for a drink like he usually does and goes back to sleep we would have sex and I could cum on her. I wanted to trust her but she had had a habit of falling through on things like this. As was the case this morning. She was up and came back to bed. Wiggled over to cuddle and just kind of fell asleep again. I was upset a little but resigned not to lose anymore sleep over it. I woke up again around 7 she was up with our son playing in the living room. I finally decided no more of the games. I want to have fully open communication and if she wants to turn it into a fight again that's her choice and then I'll know what to.do. I told her that it upset me that she didn't keep her word and that it was exactly one of the things that our counselor had advised her not to do. If she tells me a specific time or day that we will have sex she has to actually do it not just brush it off to avoid resentment. Instead of getting defensive she apologized and explained her side of it. She is so used to getting up with him putting back to sleep and going back.to bed that she came to bed and wiggled against me and she just fell asleep again. She told me that she might need a little help from.me in those situations. At first it just felt.like another goalposts. She wanted to take a bath before we headed out to play group. I was watching our son with all the baby gates up in the living room and she comes out drags me into the bathroom and starts blowing me again!!!! This is more enthusiasm than I have received in the last decade. We fuck a bit and I'm ready to explode. She apparently felt this and just dropped to her knees and told me to come on her tits. So fucking hot. I came on command and harder than I think I have ever come before. My whole body was shaking for a bit and I couldn't even grab her a kleenex to clean herself up with at first. I didn't know that was possible for a man BTW. I've given plenty of leg shaking orgasms but never had one myself. I hope this is actually the road to recovery. For the first time in over 2 decades I am no longer thinking about the bridge and have hope that my marriage can be saved. I don't want to lose my best friend but I will never accept her not being my lover again. If this falls off and return to the way it was I am leaving and never coming back. I am getting in shape for myself and my son and if things do fall apart at least I will be my best self for trying to find someone else. She told me to go find a girlfriend multiple times so I guess that's also an option albeit a horrible one that I don't desire but might be easier than breaking my family. Thank you all for your support and "not advices". You all kept me away from the bridge. My truck thanks you it was very expensive. I will update again when I have a clearer picture.

P.s. I know that last paragraph was horrible. Someone was bitching about the original post and honestly I just wanted to give them something else to piss and moan about.

**Edit to update and punctuation/spelling.