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Hi, I’ve been doing a lot of reading here the last few days… starting to piece together my feelings, ultimately I’m looking for advise on how to progress, ideally I don’t want a divorce because she was/is my dream wife and friend prior to the DB part - we have a large amazing property and lifestyle that we would lose it if we did divorce and i at least don’t want to go back to living in a city again.
My wife (39LLF) and I (33HLM) have been struggling with her lower sex drive for 8 years (of 11) - it’s always been directed at me as being the problem for not being around the home. Initially that was true because I was working insane hours and working away to bring home a very substantial pay. But I ended up with some medical issues and we moved rurally and I no longer work but receive a very good pension. When we moved rurally, she also stopped working full time and we have our own small business that is largely self supporting. Since moving I tried to keep the intimacy going but was always getting rejected, same story I don’t do enough around the house - I try harder albeit limited by my health. I make a point of not eating for fear of making dishes, I get abused if I leave a plate sitting on the counter for a few hours but she does the same and when I’m away she leaves it for days, I live with constant double standards for all sorts of small shit like that.
18 months ago I couldn’t handle the rejection anymore and told her I would not initiate anymore to stop her feeling uncomfortable about rejecting me… in 2022 we had sex 3 times 2 of those I pretty much initiated it. In 2023 i was told to initiate more often, I started initiating again but again constant rejection - can’t win…
I feel like her blue haired perpetually single friend is half the problem - but I would never even hint at that to her - despite her being anti-men - blaming me, coming up with phrases like unseen-domestic-labour ect… now before you jump down my throat I do more than my fair share maintaining the house, I don’t like hanging washing or vacuuming floors so I chip in with everything else, I’m the main one that cleans up the kitchen after her (I now only eat once a day vs her 3x) - but here’s the kicker, I’m not allowed to buy a clothes dryer and when I brought a robo vacuum she started intentionally leaving clothes on the floor so it would get stuck and then tell me how shit it was.
Since I stopped working she has always pestered me to take on new jobs and earn more money forgetting my health doesn’t allow that, after a few years she decided to start working again and was quite rankly very rude about how she earned more money than me for about 6-weeks until she received her first full pay check and learnt that my tax-free pension is still 150% of her full time wage, I didn’t mention it but her smugness turned to resentment.
She has a lot of ASD characteristics which I learnt more about whilst learning about my own ADHD characteristics, I’ve tried to gently encourage her to seek diagnosis given it is very common in her family - with the hope that it will help our communication issues. Since I have started learning more about ASD/ADHD it has helped me understand her quirks and meltdowns but she doesn’t see it.
I’m kinky, she’s not, in the first 5 years she was but now is only interested in vanilla - which was fine for a while but regrettably I still take what I can get which has magnified the problem and made the rejection from my advances even worse. She’s put on weight and says she can’t feel sexy in her body, doesn’t believe me when I say otherwise. Prior to our honeymoon everything was on the table… she made p0rnstars look boring and was always messaging and taking pictures… after the honeymoon it felt like it was the end of fun, I’ve got maybe 10 sexy messages in 8 years vs the 10 per week prior.
Up to here, everything above has been discussed, we’ve tried a therapist (picked by her), didn’t really help much, it caused more arguments because the therapist unknowingly sided with the way I viewed things.
I feel like I am being gaslit, every time we have a talk about this I get told we just had sex the other day - knowing it was months ago - then when we do have sex she openly jokes that it should keep me going for another 6 months.
Our lives are stressful and busy, we don’t get to have holidays like we used to, I get told if we have more holidays we would have more sex but when we do get away I get rejected again.
I know it doesn’t read great but other than the DB and rejection I want to make things work. If you read this far, thank you for your time and any advice your provide.
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