It’s been 3.5 years just about in sex therapy with my LL (38F) and I’m HL (37M). Tonight we had our bi-weekly session and I and the therapist finally got it out of her. She said she knows she needs to put in work but, instead of just her moving closer to 50-50 intimacy wise she wants me to put in work also. In the sense that she gets her bucket filled with having a nice adult dinner, or going to a show, or reading her mountain of books etc… and she feels that I should have a lot of those things that fill my proverbial bucket also and not just concentrate on sex and intimacy. I’m still wondering Wtaf happened tonight and how we got here?

Hearing that was worse than a gut punch. More like my damn heart was ripped out. I feel deceived, I feel, hurt, I feel used, I feel like I was given false hope, and I feel like she tried/s to use therapy to change me so I don’t “need / want” sex. Before we came to therapy you know what I did most nights? I went to the gym till between 10:30 and midnight. Showered and then came home and went to bed. On nights I didn’t go to the gym maybe I’d watch TV with her or go downstairs to the basement watch by myself down there, or go to a movie. Basically not really spend time together during the week. Most likely on the weekends we’d spend time together but, that was also with the kids 24/7. So I dealt with the lack of sex and intimacy they way. Cause we weren’t making out or touching each other either. That was also dead.

Then we go to therapy and the therapist suggests doing more together. Watching shows together, going up to bed at the same time, cooking together. And we did. And she enjoyed/enjoys it. But, now it’s oh I have to fill my bucket and be happy without sex possibly again. So I said “what you’re really saying is you don’t want to get back to having sex again cause I need to fill my buckets up. That’s what you want me to do? Are you gonna be cool if I go out and sleep with an escort, go on tinder, go to a swingers club? Cause I don’t believe I want to live without sex. And last time we broached the topic of me having desires to cheat in therapy due to the lack of sex and me being honest you flipped out. So what gives? And she said well I’m not saying I definitely don’t want to get back to having sex again but I don’t know. Which is basically how therapy has gone.

So I’m meeting with the therapist again Wednesday morning for just a solo session to just figure out how to deal with hearing this emotionally cause it’s a lot. I never once in my life ever pictured me getting a divorce. I married my best friend, wife, and future lover. But that last part has me hung up because she evidently doesn’t want to prioritize our relationship and put the work in to get back to having sex. Even writing this right now is just as hard as saying it out loud! Sucks and I’m in tears.

But, then I think about life without her and I’m not sure how I’d go on. How would I afford my own place big enough to have the kids also, pay for a lawyer or mediation to get this squared away, afford new furniture, appliances and everything that comes along with a new place, afford dating? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Moving into the basement is probably my best bet for now. I just hate the fact that she still is fine because she still has “her buckets filled”. Funny thing is I remember having a personal chat with another woman about dead bedrooms on Reddit like When I first joined which was 2 years ago and she said to me about my situation that she guaranteed me that my wife was never going to sleep with me again. And I said how do you know and she just said she’s been on that situation and she knew from what I was telling her that no matter how long we went to therapy she had no intention of sleeping with me again. Which I found hard to believe but, now looking back on that I find it very prescient. This sucks. Hope this is rock bottom and it gets better. I sure could use it!