I've been in a DB for 5 years, I am/was AL with HLM. Have posted before. I read lots of posts in this sub and have found lots of help and different ways of looking at things. I decided to ask my partner about our DB, it really does bother me. I miss sex and intimacy and orgasms. He is very narcissistic and he has brain injury so he deals differently with things, he avoids a lot too, this was our convo on my third attempt at asking. (It has to come from him or else I'm lying to him and making shit up.)

Me: Can I talk to you about our lack of sex?

Him: Well I know I hurt you and I tore you being drunk. (I had been asleep when he came in)

Me: That's correct. What happened next?

Him: Then you told me no the next day.

Me: Right, how many times did I tell you no?

Him: Just that once.

Me: Ok, do you remember me saying I prob need some lube from now on?

Him: A real man doesn't use WD-40(this is what he calls it), other women don't need it, it's not my fault you can't get wound up.

Me: Really, you believe that, so a simple request for a $3 bottle of lube caused our DB?

Him: No, well you told me no.

Me: Ok and that gave you permission to go elsewhere?

Him: Well yeah, you told me no.

Him: We are in the here and now, it doesn't matter now. Why don't you find some WD-40 and fix me.

Me: What do you mean fix you?

Him: Well my thing doesn't work anymore and it's your fault.

Me: No that's incorrect. If I mess with you and it still doesn't work will it still be my fault.

Him: Yeah, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

This was 4 days ago, I keep dwelling on it. Yesterday he hugged me from behind while I was cooking. Today he hugged me from behind while I was doing dishes. It feels a bit to late and somewhat ick. :(

I am trying to figure out if I'm holding a grudge? Being unfair, an AH or a B? Do I let it go? Do I find the WD 40? Is this fixable? Was this all my fault? I have tried to have this convo before and he would always tell me it didn't matter. I just cry and wonder if I'm that terrible of a person. My mind is not grasping, wtf!