You're probably dreading yet another "rant". Oh well, i guess you drew the short straw by having a husband who wants to talks about our feelings.

You asked for one more chance when i mentioned the word divorce. Things improve. Hit or miss on following through and say you think I'm sleeping at the scheduled day/time for you to initiate, so you don't. Does it mean if I'm sleeping that i just miss out? If you can't be bothered to check if I'm sleeping, at least send a cold a text asking if I'm awake. While you may have thought i was asleep, you also forgot our scheduled time for you to initiate. You're annoyed when i remind you in the middle of the week about our scheduled time on Sunday coming up. I've done this several times. You say each time you won't forget. While you didn't forget every time, it's heart breaking when you tell me in annoyed voice (like how could you question me forgetting this. I won't forget) and then forget anyway. You also ask what is the point of it if i can in theory initiate any time. I've told you dozens of times over the years and particularly recently, it's important to me that you initiate. You agreed to the scheduled time for you to initiate.

I don't think I've gotten any complements on my physical appearance in years. With promting you'll agree i smell nice or will congratulate me on success or will say the shirt itself looks nice. Sure maybe I'm reading it wrong, but if there are no other comments it's pretty clear. And definitely no comment indicating sexual attraction to me in many years.

You say you want to try it my way by having sex whenever i want and learning to like it. But any suggestion to help move to the phase of you looking forward to it is rejected. Or you agree and don't follow through. Why did you even bother to read the first chapter of the book i got for us, other than to make it look like you care, or you do care but not enough to follow through. Or at least tell me you don't like the book and aren't going to continue. You ghost on the topic and get annoyed when i ask about it. You spend hours on games on your phone day after day over the entire time since I brought up divorce. I don't care that you play those games. But what this tells me it's that the games on your phone are more important or more interesting than me or working on us. You can spend hours a day for weeks but can't muster the energy to spend 1 min a day working on this. I understand one is draining and one is a mindless distraction. But it tells me the level of energy you're willing to put into this. You can power through books so fast when your care. Your husband mentions the word divorce and you can't remember the same day/time each week and can't be bothered to read a book? I know it's been a crazy few months, but they are all crazy months.

I understand you may have valid reasons not to do therapy or not to read a book that doesn't resonate with you, if you don't think they will work. I'm realizing, way too late, that it's not going to benefit you or me if I push for things you genuinely don't want to do. So I'm going to stop pushing. You've clearly stated on multiple occasions that you can't think of anything that you think will help. You won't take your thyroid medication(a known cause for a low sex drive.) You won't try a different birth control. And you aren't willing to try my suggestions of reading a book or talking to someone. So I'm finally taking your words at face value and hearing you when you say you don't believe there is a way to fix it.

We used to give and receive oral a lot. Then it turned into me just giving it to you for a very long time. Then i ask about it going both ways and you all of a sudden and coldly say you don't like either anymore, this was many years ago but it really stuck with me. It tells me you were ok recieving as long as you didn't have to give. I'm not going to be sorry for that being important to me. Especially with such a dramatic switch from the beginning of our relationship.

I understand work is a reason for not remembering our scheduled/day time or not being in the mood. As you've stated on several occasions over the years that the stress from it makes you not interested in sex(but still masturbate). I get it, work hurts your sex drive towards me. I 100% believe you. But when work isn't crazy it doesn't change either. And work is always going to be there. Meaning it will always be a problem. Don't tell me it's going to calm down. You're lying to yourself.

You haven't shown interest in me sexually for years. You certainly have a sex drive since you masturbate. Which is fine and I encourage it, heck I even buy you sex toys, and never complained once about the toys you've bought. I wouldn't do that if I had a problem with you masturbating. So don't throw this back in my face that I ever have an issue with your masturbating. But it tells me that you have some amount of sex drive, you just don't have a sex drive for me. And you haven't since probably before we had kids. You tell me you do it for for stess relief sometimes. Well guess why people do fun things, like sex? To relieve stress.

I don't mind talking during sex. And I'm all for making it light hearted and relaxed. Truly. But it's a little obvious you aren't into it when you want to have a detailed conversation, that is very much sex related, but isn't relavent to the moment because you're bored. As I'm about to cum. You're clearly not present in the moment. It's just a mechanical activity you happen to be doing.

I cannot be with someone who does not desire me sexually. Or someone who just doesn't show it, makes different excuses each time for not being intimate, is too busy with work and games, and will not follow through on anything other than the first few attempts. Or you just go silent, and stop doing it if it's not important to you or you don't want to do it.

You're wonderful and caring in so many ways and take care of me. And a wonderful mother. It's very clear that you see me as a good friend and a stable partner and a good father. But you don't see me sexually. I'm tired of pushing and struggling to fix that alone. It's a waste of energy when it's clear you're just stringing me along. Because I've let you string me along.

I've noticed and appreciated the effort you put in on our weekend away and several other occasions. But i see the same cycle starting all over again of sex for a week or two then nothing for months. Every promise you make about sex and miss just hurts so much now and it's just a repeat of the same situation over a decade.

You don't desire me sexually. You don't know how to desire me sexually. You won't try to fix it fundamentally. I'm out of things to try and out of the energy to try. Do I resent you for all this? Yep.

Not sure I'll read all of this to her as I'm not sure it will be productive.