I have been a long time participant in Sexless Marriage Support groups on another platform, and have just recently moved over to Reddit. I have something that worked and saved our marriage that I'd like to share.

My wife and I have been married for 28 years and for 7 of that were almost completely sexless. She became basically asexual with no desire for intimacy. Year after year I would talk about my desire for her, and she would say she would try ... always empty promises. The thing was that we were, and still are, each other's best friends ... hand hold, hug and peck kiss affectionate but nothing more. We had the perfect marriage and built a wonderful life except for intimacy.

Like I said I participated in many support groups. Was astonished that the gender of the sexless partner was pretty evenly split between male and female ... it's not just a bunch of horny guys wanting more sex as many people believe. It's evenly devastating to both who are the high libido partner.

I came to firmly believe that one of the main problems, save a solid medical issue, is that the monogamous model is a breeding ground for apathy for many people who are not self motivators. The way this plays into sexless marriage is that the low libido partner (LLP) basically holds the high libido partner (HLP) hostage between the LLP's absolute right to "say no" and the monogamous vows. The HLP has no other recourse than suffering in silence or the shame of a failed marriage over an issue that many don't value enough to award victim status.

I offered my wife counseling and she refused because there wasn't a problem to be solved. I told her that my greatest fear was that I was not strong enough to live that way forever, and that I would fail her and cheat.

I am telling the short story for brevity ... there was resentment, arguments, outright yelling matches, and occasional rational discussion usually with a promise "to try" that never happened over and over again. One time I gave her the opportunity to "try" and promised not to ask, joke, or in anyway bring up our sexlessness for one month. Of course the month passed with absolutely nothing ... so I waited another month and still nothing. When I finally brought it up she snapped that it hadn't been a month yet. She truly had no concept that the time had elapsed twice over. She got pissed when I showed her the marked calendar and it had actually been two months.

She finally came around that it was not fair for me to force her to do something that she didn't want to do, nor was it fair to make me live without something I needed. I had brought up opening our marriage to allow me to get the intimacy I needed. Like I said, we had the perfect partner best friend marriage, and neither wanted to blow it up.

I took a polyamorous partner, whom she met and gave her blessing. We dated for some time. This seemed to spark something physically, psychologically, and emotionally in my wife and it fanned the flames that I thought were long gone. I had made it clear to my poly partner that I would never leave my wife, but she wanted more, so I ended it. Since that time my wife has been more attentive than when we were newlyweds. That was two years ago and we're still going strong.

She now admits that she knew that I would never leave her, and that she had no incentive to try or initiate as there was no fear of loss. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't playing games or bluffing ... I never intended to leave and wasn't trying to "make her jealous" ... the poly partner was a supplement which was made crystal clear to the partner. One of the mantras of polyamory is how freeing it is to not have to be ALL things to each other.

Your mileage may vary ... this is not something to bluff ... but it is what snapped my wife out of the apathy which was bred by a monogamous comfy spot than enabled her to not work on that aspect of our relationship. She has never revoked her permission for me to take another partner, but so far I haven't felt the need to.