I’m (42HLM) an worried about the future of my wife (42llf)‘s sec life. We’ve been married for 15 years now and it used to be ok- she’s never been super adventurous, but in recent years we’ve gone from a couple times a week to 1-2 times a year. Some of it, I totally get. It slowed down when we were in grad school- work loads and stress, ect. About ten years ago, we had to have our first kid with fertility treatments and it took ALL the fun about of it. That was sex for a purpose. When that failed, we did IVF and the hormone therapy absolutely killed her sex drive- I totally get that too. Post partum, she wasn’t into it, and again; understandable. After six months or so, I’d ask or try to initiate and get the brush off. I was pretty busy at the time; a full time job and a command in the reserves left me fired a lot of the time- so sex was infrequent and unsatisfying. I’d get her off, then she’d tell me to ‘hurry and finish’ which is…no. It doesn’t work for me, so I’d stop. Then, COVID hit. I was working as a provider in an ICU in a big city and saw a lot of death. Like- a LOT. It took me until 2022 to feel normal again. The sex remained infrequent, with mostly me getting turned down a couple times a week then when she agreed, her getting off then stopping; or her trying to imitate when I was absolutely exhausted. We also adopted our second child during this time- so you know. Babies kill mojo. I get that too and understand it. Early in 2022, we had sex twice in one month, then stopped again.

Then in late 22 , I got deployed and have been away for a long time. We talk via messengers or phone calls. She won’t flirt or send pictures. She won’t tease or promise anything. She won’t even talk about sex, or focusing on our sex life. She just evades the questions and changes the subject. It’s been a long, dangerous lonely year. I want to come home and be intimate with her and I think it’s not going to happen. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve decided to run three miles every time I get turned down or she changes the subject. (It might end up being a lot of miles.) I also won’t beg. I have dignity, and while I’ll ask, I will not beg, pester or bring it up repeatedly.

I’m involved with and love our kids to pieces. I clean, I cook, I work, I make lunches and drop them off at school and activities, do bedtimes and baths. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and all my hobbies are cheap- either out in nature or at home. I don’t really have friends to go out with; and my family lives a couple thousand miles away. I don’t want much. I want to have a clean,safe home, (which I have) a wonderful, kind, loving smart wife and beautiful children (which I have) and to occasionally have her take me upstairs and fuck the absolute hell out of me. (Which I don’t)

I don’t really know what to do. I’ve lost 40 lbs this past year and I’m fitter than ever. I’ve got post deployment counselors and doctors visits already lined up. I’ve got aa reintegration plan. I’ve got everything except a wife that will sleep with me.

Thoughts,insight, comments, guidance, criticisms- all welcome.