So, my wife 32F LL, and I 39M HL have been married for 7 years. Together for 9. When we first dated, she was all over me, as is normal ish in new relationships. Told me I'm handsome and texts telling me what she'll do when I get home. Very Very HL in the beginning. We got married and maintained that level until she got pregnant. The it dropped completely off. I asked about it and she was overwhelmed with baby and understable. We'd go months in between. But I'd ask if there is something that could help and she would say she needed X and I would do X but then she'd be upset that it felt transactional but I thought I was reducing stress to make her more comfortable but now she thinks I'm only doing it for sex. We started fighting about it and it morphed into her being upset that i wanted it so often. I try to explain that there are a few factors in it. Sex is a fun activity, I enjoy making her feel good, it helps me feel connected and it also shows that we are in a good place together and individually. I asked her once while not in a fight. If everything was in perfect balance and harmony, how often would she like sex. She said every day would be nice. But she gets in her own head and talks herself out of it. Fast forward a couple months and she says she wouldn't be upset if i couldn't have sex ever again. I asked how it changed from every day to never again and she didn't have an answer. I asked her for closeness in other ways like cuddling and date night and she said we could do that. I'm feeling okay with less sex as i still feel close. Until one day she disappears and doesn't respond to text. My brain spirals into why and if she is with someone else. She comes home and I ask why she didn't respond to my questions and that I've been waiting and got worried. She flipped out thinking I was asking for more sex. Which I have been working on with a therapist. My therapist says that my ASD has me super attuned to pattern changes and I have a rejection sensitivity. So when I notice a pattern change, i wonder what I did wrong and spiral. I'm working on that. But the hard part for me is pattern recognition is part of me and I'm not wrong about the patterns. I might be wrong at the reasoning. But she started going to the gym. Spending more time alone, weekends at her mom's. I non longer has access to her phone and computer, and instead of cuddling into me. She sits across from me with her phone close to her chest. She started doing feet pics and the comments from men on the internet caused her libido to skyrocket and i was having a good time enjoying the extra sessions. But then she stopped with me abruptly and now she tells me she doesn't want to have sex anymore because she keeps worrying about if the sex is good enough, long enough, cuddly enough, she says that however much we have it, it isn't enough, but i told her i was fine with the frequency. And didn't understand where this came from. She said I've always complained about sex, but i haven't that I know of. I bring up pattern changes and usually sex is one of the tell tail signs she is stressed or not in a good place but i try to be very clear that i mostly just notice her pulling away or retreating into TikTok and i want to check in. But she is dead set that I'm only wanting sex and therefore we can't have it for a least 6 months or until i can treat sex like brushing my teeth. However she opened the marriage cause she still wants sex and just wants to go to someone else for sex who won't get attached. When I ask about why she wants to have sex with other people, she sighed and said that i was hung up on the sex again. She just wants relationships with other people and sex might happen. But then why can't she say she wants friends... if she is so meh about sex, why does it need to be a point to bring up that she can have sex with anyone. She says i can go find someone for myself. But i was single for 30 years and not by choice. So i don't have high hopes of meeting someone I click with like we did when we met. I've also tried tinder and okcupid and have had zero matches just looking for friends and long-term or short term. The 180 is the biggest concern to me as I'm so very confused. The other pattern change I notice is that she seems to be pulling away from the kids too and almost resenting them and is often angry or "overwhelmed" by them less than 10 mins after they get home from daycare all day.

This is way longer than i intended, but I'm so lost mentally at what to do. It feels like my whole world is upsidedown and nothing makes sense.

TIA