Now that we’re around a year into quarantine, I’m sure that some of you horny little first years want to sneak into De Anza, and are eager to fornicate with the opposite gender (or the same gender, we don’t judge here). Alas, the presence of COVID means that shagging is only acceptable outside and sufficiently socially distant from other pesky humans. Fortunately for you, I’ve compiled this handy guide to having socially distanced sex on campus to ensure you still practice your rhythmic pelvic thrusting in a safe fashion.

*Note: For the CS majors, you can easily replace “partner” with “inflatable sex doll,” everything else should be the same.

1. Mechanics Shop:

We begin with the mechanics shop. Ever wanted to experience car sex but don't want to ruin your own car? Well the mechanics shop is for you. The surplus of cars and machinery will provide more than enough cover for you and your partner

1. Library:

Next is the library. Yea its a bit open, but whats life without risk? Reserve a study room, use your clothes to cover the windows and try not to be too loud....there are kids studying.

1. Flint Center:

What better, than to get laid at the flint center. Hide behind the hundreds of seats, and picture Steve job's face smiling down upon you as you do it.

1. Environmental Science Area:

All of us have lit a romantic candle to make our room smell like something other than sweat, tears, and several leftover bowls of ramen. Fortunately, the Environmental Center garden already provides a dank musk that’ll make any normal human feel extra horny. Find a little bush to hide behind near the creek, or take a bold step in your relationship and romp around in the center of the path. The leaves provide some nice padding too!

1. Classrooms:

Ah yes, classroom sex. The iconic kink of any nerd who has spent a little too much time browsing the hub. Just replace your partner's face, with that hot professor. Here's a trick: if your partner does not perform, moan your professor’s name a couple of times, and when you’re done your partner won’t bother you with their poor performance again! NOTE: This one is particularly difficult to pull off at the moment, since all the buildings are shut, but once you get inside you’ll have plenty of time and space to practice all of your sensual activities.

1. The Field:

Feeling athletic and adventurous? Go to the field, for a new adventure. Stairs? Plenty. Benches? Thousands. An enormous grassy field to safely practice social distancing with the other couples? Check. Plus, you’ll forever be able to brag about how you bagged some points for the home team.

Bonus: Advanced Technology Center Elevator

This is a favorite for all the individuals who like their sessions short and sweet (and can’t last longer than 30 seconds; perfect for my frat bros). Hop in clean, hop out stanky.

Bonus 2.0: Sunken Garden

If you’re a bold individual looking for an easy way to get expelled from school (and maybe arrested) with no strings attached, this one is for you. Plop yourself in the middle of the garden with a partner and start having fun. If you’re fearless, you’ll do it inside of the fountain.

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Note to mods: This should be pinned not deleted. I have read all of the rules. It is relative to de anza. I am not advertising. I am not bullying or exposing anyone in particular. I am not asking for help on a test. This account has been here for a while now