25M in a long distance relationship (US) with my girlfriend, I met her online randomly, I was in US at that time, she painted a picture in front of me of being a good person. I believed whatever she said wholeheartedly, she said, “I’m not a virgin, my boyfriend cheated on me not sure though and kept me lingering on this relationship, I’m still waiting for him, I won’t be with anyone until the things gets clear between me and him, because I want to marry him”, as a first reaction I said that’s fine, if you’re sure he cheated on you why are you waiting for him? You should move on now. At first I thought this girl is really good, she is a genuine person, her boyfriend treated her badly, I didn’t know when I fell for her, but she told me in Dec 2023 that she is going to meet her boyfriend (Hyderabad) and discuss everything, I told her continuously don’t go it will end whatever is going on between us, she knew I had feelings for her, but she went. I made her one call after she met her boyfriend to ask her what she has decided? Do you want to stay and wait for him or move on? She said I’m going to wait for him for next 20 days, he’s going to tell his parents about us.

My New york trip

I was heartbroken at that time, I knew he’s not going to do anything. I have just vanished from her life, I called her in a weak moment, and asked her why she did that to me, led me to believe something can happen between us, she tried to explain but I was not convinced, and she was still waiting for confirmation from her boyfriend. Fast forward to Jan 2024, it was a new year I wanted to forget past so I went to New York at my friends place and travelled around, while visiting Macy’s I saw a Necklace, it was really beautiful, then I remembered that I promised her that I will get her a Necklace when we meet. My New York trip was planned quite early like in Nov, when we were on good terms, I told her that I planned something for her, I didn’t told her anything, but paid $150 and got a picture of her on NY’s Times Square Billboard on 31st Dec, I was going to VC her and show her how much I love her. Everything was in vain, but my promise and regret led me to buy that necklace. I purchased it and posted it on close friend’s story (She was the only one there), while on trip I got a messaged from her, “Enjoying the trip?”, as a cold reply I said, “Yes, very much”. But I knew there was a part of me still longing for her, After posting necklace story, 2 days later I got her call, and she told me, her boyfriend is now her ex, I laughed and was I told you so, I asked her one thing, did you had sex with him? she said no. I was like, she’s a smart girl, she took care of herself like a pro.

We got into relationship

We started talking again, after a month I proposed and she said yes, to meet her I booked my tickets to India. The time came we decided to meet in Pune with our friends joining us, for few days will stay there and then will head home (btw we are from same city). We met our feelings came down crashing with all the love and joy, on the first day we had sex, it was my first time. I loved the feeling of intimacy with her, I adored every moment I spent with her during my holiday, the only issue was I was at home, I was not able to frequently message her or call her, but we used to meet daily in the gym then cafe or movies, all of my mornings with her only. Then one of the close relative died during that time, so I had to cancel every trip with her, still on her birthday leaving everything behind I was with her, gifted her a watch, cut a cake together, had lunch, everything. Then time came for me to get back to US, I met her in the morning stayed with her till late afternoon, and left in evening. She told me, she is going to UK for studies, I was supportive of it, but then things took the wrong turn from there. I got into habit of her, I was not able to cope up with the feeling of not being with her, for almost we had fights, one night I was high and called her that I’m not liking this, I don’t want this long distance relationship, I loved her so much, but this feelings and constant fights left me with conflicted decisions.

I broke up with her for first time.

I was feeling like a shit all day, telling myself I did same thing as her ex, develop the lovey dovey feelings and broke her heart. After that night, we were still talking (same like being in relationship), just the expectations of relationship were low. I got to know in that time, that her friend bad mouthed me that’s why we were having fights over trivial issues.

Fast forward we are back in relationship.

One day we were on the video call, she was sharing the screen, showing me the university documentation, I jokingly asked her can you show me your snapchat, she said she can’t, I asked her why, constantly badgered her with questions, then she told me she had one-night stand with someone from the office last year (before me), again conflicting feelings, she use to tell me staying faithful, and everything else, she won’t date because technically she’s still in relationship. Then she showed me her snapchat, I saw few random guys, she sent pictures (not nudes but usually the ones we send to our loved ones like little revealing) to, it made me so angry, she was crying on call and I was pushing myself through every limit of anger.

Here I started doing so many bad things with her,

I took her snapchat, insta and added few people, her ex and the random guy she had sex with which told me that he forced himself upon her (basically rape) I was feeling guilty of it as well, that I should have take everything lightly it was a trauma and what not. Tried adding those random people as well, not able to found them, Then the office guy accepted request, I started talking, asked him why did he force himself upon her, and he said, if I would have forced myself upon you didn’t have shown up for 2nd time. 2nd time after hearing that I was devastated, I confronted her, why did she lied to me, if it was rape for first time, then why did you went for 2nd time? she said it was because of my ex. I accepted her reason but I started treating her badly asked her to do this that really went the devil’s way. Still guilty of it, but then her ex added her back and I saw the previous chats, it was sexting from not sure when they exchanged photos, videos, calls, video calls, and were planning to meet in Hyderabad as well, before she leaves for UK, all behind me.

My mind went blank at this point.

I was not sure what I did wrong, why she cheated on me, I was wrong for few moments but it was not that wrong (And yes there are levels of being wrong), fast forward I tried moving on but on one of the calls she threatened to do self-harm (she did it once) and told that she will sleep around let everyone use her body, but after hearing this I’m not sure what came to my mind I just dropped my self-respect and asked her to be with me till both us gets married to different people. Today, I’m planning to go to UK to meet her and stay with her for almost a month.

I still feel guilty, regret everything I did, but I’m not sure is this right or wrong? I’m an asshole for sure, but don’t know how to rectify my mistake. Any good advice, will be appreciated.