Hey dad,

so you know I started HRT just a little more than two weeks ago? And how I've spent 24 years in this awful, very female body?

I know, change doesn't happen overnight. And I'm working on it, you know. I'm afraid I'll never look like other guys or the man I know I am deep inside. I'm so scared these curves will haunt me to hell and back. I just want to have a body I don't despise and want to be able to look in the mirror.

Now that I'm on T, I'm afraid if I don't spend every minute in the gym or at home weight lifting, I'll never get where I wanna be. I wanna be strong enough to lift up grandma and grandpa when they fall and I wanna carry all their groceries. I wanna carry my wife if I want to. It's not even really about the looks.

But I already am super tiny, at just 5'2//1,60cm. I need to be bulky and muscular to pass as a cis guy.

I know, I know it's not bad to be feminine and I don't NEED to pass but it's MY goal.

I want to be very masculine, bulky, and lift stuff. Be real strong and...square you know. Be as wide as I am tall but in muscles, how I always say, haha.

I'm just afraid I'll never "look like a real man". Remember how I always envied other guys? Even now, I sometimes can't even go outside because the sight of guys who only had a male puberty brings me to tears in grief and sorrow.

This whole thing is so hard. And I'm worried I'll never make it.