Dad, you’re the only person I could say this to, and that’s only because I don’t have to see you be disappointed in me. If you where alive I’d hide this from you like I hide it from everyone.

The beginning of this semester I got placed on Financial Aid Warning, which means I either pass what I’m taking now or loose my financial aid. I didn’t take it seriously at first, because I knew that the previous semester it was just one class I failed, and I failed it because I managed my time poorly.

Then I lost my job, and throughout the summer looked for another one. It was looking like I wouldn’t be able to afford this semester, but I found a job at the last possible moment. I had to only take two classes though, because it was all I could afford at that moment from my savings. Work wouldn’t let me change my schedule so I had to take online classes.

I neglected them so bad dad. One class I did the assignments for and now I have a C, pending a small paper due today.

The other I blew off till last week. It’s too much work. I’m loosing my mind, I feel myself about to fly off the handle. I’m scared dad, because I don’t want to loose my aid.

I could never tell mom, or anyone, because I know they’re already disappointed in me. I’m disappointed in me. I’m a fuck up. I am lazy, irresponsible and a god damn moron. I shouldn’t be in college, and I think I know that. Why do I even think I can be an accountant, I’m going to fuck it up and fail. I’ll be lazy and moronic and screw it up.

I’ve tried so hard to not be lazy, I don’t know what to do dad.

Let me make it clear that I know it’s my fault, I’m not blaming anyone else for this hole I’ve dug for myself.

I just wish things where different. I wish I didn’t have to work 40 hours a week to afford school. My friends have their parents pay for their school, their rent, their groceries and bills.

I work for everything I have. The last time I asked mom for money was 3 months ago when I was unemployed and needed $20.

I know it’s not an excuse but I just keep staring at my computer screen. I have to call the schools IT people because I can’t submit some of the work I’ve already done, but other wise I’m just stuck.