CW talk of suicidal ideation nothing graphic just the topic.

Dad,

I miss you. I missed you growing up. In my adult life i tried to have a relationship with you. For 9 years i tried. I asked you to empathize instead of analyze my suicidal ideation. For this you called me selfish and self centered. You then took a "fuck you is the best i can do" additude. Im at one of the lowest points of my life and you emotionally punched me. Interacting with you is a risk i cannot take. Youre going down a path i cannot follow. I would never treat My hypotetical son like you trest me.

I worked up the courage to tell you i was trans. You accepted me but then conveniently found a reason to be angry with me. This is a pattern. A hurtful pattern which actively harms me.

We have different core values. Therefore our world views are completely incompatible. For me to challenge your actions i am required to disprove core values you likely have held for 15-20 years. You hold these values as hard as i hold mine. This is an inpass.

The pain of mourning the relationship we will never have seems like too much to bear. In many ways i feel closure this process has been going on for years. Slowly and gradually learning that your love is conditional and that your affection is to be earned. Love is paicient kind caring in all of those things listed never once is love earned.

Your slap was the final straw. I put you in a year long communication block as punishment for how you treated me for 3 years. For telling me that if i had a baby you would do nothing to help in an emergency. Telling me the kid you had in your 20s that having a child during that time would ruin my life. Trying to force your regrets onto my life. Also implicitly calling me a mistake.

You cannot seem to truely identify with other humans unless you have also experienced the thing personally. In my philosphy class we called these states the id the ego and the super ego. The id is a selfish baby who cant take care of itself. The ego is self sufficient but selfish. The super ego can empathize with others. I honestly wonder if you ever achieved the super ego stage.

I have great compassion for where you are. I was once there. I have offered the help i was given you choose comfort over growth. I have brought you to the water 4 times you have refused to drink. I can't do ir anymore. This time was so your wife could see how futile an effort this is.

"You are a sad strange little man and you have my pity." - buzz lightyear

Sincerely

The daughter who you will not be communicating with going forward.

(to anyone who reads this i am in therapy and seeing a psychological MD as well as my general physician. Im wriritng this to get these ideas out of me.)

Ps if anyone wants to be a dad i can talk to abour dad stuff lmk i would love to talk to someone. The bar is fucking low i get jellious of my friends with objectively okay parents. My dad is a narcisit and my mom never emotionally matured. I am doing my best but i cant be honest with my biological family mostly because they consider me not worth it. They are conservative christians im a trans athiest kid.