I am using ketamine for “depression”. I put depression in quotation marks because I am going through a divorce and am heartbroken, so anyone in my position would probably feel depressed. My ex-wife is a high performer in a corporate field and decided she no longer wants kids and feels she isn’t meant to be a mother. She feels she can make a bigger impact in the world by not having kids. I, on the other hand, do want kids. (That is the short version anyway).

I am handling it well, leaning heavily on my spirituality. I trust in the universe and know that this is clearing my path for better things. I know there is someone out there that is meant for me and I will meet her when the time is right. I also learned a lot about my own behavior and am going to come out of this a better person. The reason I include this paragraph is to show that I am not wishing to use ketamine to escape my problems. I am working through them in a productive and introspective manner.

That being said, my emotions tell a different story. I fall into negative self talk “This is all my fault.”, “I’m not good enough.”, “My life is going to fall apart without her.”, etc.

Intellectually, I know this divorce is for the best. But emotionally, I feel like it’s the end of the world.

Ketamine facilitates a highly neuroplastic state and I want to use that to re-wire my brain into a state where my emotions can be more consistent with my intellectual positive state.

Protocol:

I did my first dose this morning. 50mg intranasal with headphones and blindfold. I tried to meditate on positive feelings while I became the observer of my fear and grief. I followed this with journaling and tai chi.

I am planning on doing one session per week and bumping the dose up by 25mg each time until I find a dose that works for me.

How is that protocol?

My first 50mg session: I didn’t love the way it made me feel. Honestly, just felt like I was drunk with a slight feeling of floating. Some heavy emotions came up, but I know that is okay. I didn’t really feel the peace and heavenly feeling that people talk about. But I’m going to give it a few more tries before I decide if it’s for me or not. Post-session, I do feel a slight, but noticeable relief in depression and hopelessness, so that’s a good sign.

TLDR; weekly sessions. 50mg on week one, bump up by 25mg each week until I find the dose that works for me. How is that? First session at 50mg was okay, nothing to write home about.