Hey everyone,

I’m a covert system, only my therapist and I know I’m a system. I don’t currently trust anyone in my life enough to tell them I’m a system (I wouldn’t say my friends are bad people, but they’re just not very trauma informed/ empathetic, and any attempts to talk to them about my past seem to result in me getting triggered by their unhelpful responses.) So for now, we stay covert and all use the host’s name. I just feel safest this way.

But sometimes, I wonder if I am as covert of a system as I think I am. Sometimes my friends seem to maybe pick up on some subtle things when I switch, although I don’t think any of them suspect that I have DID yet. Here’s some examples I can think of:

-one of my friends notices that I “get quiet sometimes” when my robot alter is fronting (that alter has little to no affect and is pretty stoic.)
-another friend notices that I act differently when my little is fronting around him (he seems to find it cute.) He also mentioned that he sometimes notices “this other side to me”.

I feel kind of conflicted about this. On one hand, having people pick up on any signs that I have DID makes me anxious, because it feels like a potential safety risk for me, and I’m so used to hiding my DID from everyone in my life. I’m wondering if maybe it’s more obvious than I realized for outsiders looking in at me. On the other hand, part of me is kind of relieved or grateful when people seem to notice the switches to some extent, because it can be lonely and alienating to be hiding such a big secret from everyone in my life. And it feels isolating to feel like my friends don’t really know me.

Not sure if this post had a clear train of thought of anything, just some musings that popped into my head haha.

-Host