I am the partner of a system, and I have a lot to get off of my chest & try to process... Here's some backstory: I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 3 years, under the assumption that this is the same person, until recently she told me she had DID (I am unsurprised). Recently there has been so much conflict in my relationship with her because I'm with an alter that isn't very compatible with me. It was a sudden switch it seems, like suddenly everything changed, our dynamic, her personality and preferences just randomly changed after she smoked weed a while ago. And it's been really hard to adapt to this change, it still is.

Simply put: Even before I knew she had DID I was missing how she was before...now I know it is who I was with before that I miss because I met them again. After who knows how long of them being asleep without me even being aware.

Last night...I met with this alter again, the first one that fell in love with me. And I cannot express just how painful this experience has been for me. God, when this alter came out I felt so much relief knowing he's still alive. But at the same time, so much grief came out of me that I didn't even realize I had been carrying around. When he told me his name, I squeezed him, I told him how much I missed him and we both started sobbing. He said he's sorry that he's been away, that he knows that it's been hard for me to deal with this new alter, but that he's so tired that he just can't come out. He said he wants to sleep...He sounded so exhausted. I just cried and cried and cried. I asked him to face me, and when he looked at me he smiled and the first thing he said was "You look so different". We haven't seen each other since we were teenagers, maybe. Those words have just been shaking me to my fucking core recently, and everytime I think about it I just start fucking sobbing again.

The alter I am with currently loves me very much, many in the system do love or care about me. But this alter I'm with is just not very compatible with me (they're trying really hard though 💜). I thought multiple times about whether this was gonna work out and if it'd be best to break it off with her, but we're trying to make it work. Basically the reason this is so utterly difficult for me is because I went from a super affectionate partner who was very much into cuddles, kisses, loved physical touch...To someone who is constantly needing space both physically & emotionally. Wants lots of time alone whereas before we could spend hours and hours together, whole days together in a room alone without any issues. My partner no longer wants to hold hands or sit together in the car, doesn't even want me to touch them in bed half the time. Not to mention she has said things like "I'd say we're half dating", and has crushes on other people (including my sister of all people), but is also asexual while I am allosexual. Another alter has alluded to the idea that she has thought of breaking up with me, but she says it's not true (I believe her but it's still been worrying). All of these changes just happened instantly, the night after she smoked some weed with me. This is not what I'm used to. At all. It's been so chaotic honestly. I'm trying so hard to make it work, but god it's so fucking hard when I'm going through so much. Among those things I am dealing with, the biggest one is that I'm grieving the loss of somebody I didn't even know I had lost until now. It's hard to process it, when my current partner is feeling guilt and insecurity about being present and not being compatible with me. I feel like I can't talk about my pain and me missing him without her feeling upset, like she's not a good partner. When I know she's trying so hard to fit my needs and also manage her own. I just miss him so fucking much, and I don't know who to tell, how to talk about it, what to do. After he left, I just kept crying and crying for hours on her, thinking about everything he said and all the memories we've had together. I wish I could just talk with him again.

Anyways, thank you all for listening, sorry if this is offensive at all to any systems. This is just my honest feelings as someone who is deeply in love with a system. I love every single person in this system, even the ones that I don't know, that is simply inherent. But he will have a special place in my heart due to how many memories we have, how compatible and close we were, and I just feel so hurt and fucked up knowing he's stuck in there asleep and I can't do anything about it. It feels like it's killing me.

Any comfort is welcome. Thank you for reading.