I have this regularly occurring experience where I'm in some sort of flashback or alternate identity, sometimes a child or an alter that remembers being drugged, and I get these wild ideas and then I act very strangely and often in a paranoid and hostile manner. I come back from these episodes repeatedly every day and realize I was irrational. It seems like, I don't know. Let's say

TW programming

Let's say you have someone drugged and taken elsewhere in an alternate identity. Then when you're being sexually trafficked something fucking weird happened. I don't know, it was incredibly painful and involved anal and vaginal rape and electrocuting nerve points (like with a little needle like in psychology experiments, and the person I remember doing this to me does those kinds of experiments) to try to give me a permanent health condition. It's like people were torturing me and trying to maim me as their sexual pleasure as opposed to traditional sex trafficking, although there was rape as well. We (other people who were adults and children with DID) were forced to hurt each other. The traffickers got behind us while we were partially paralyzed and made us attack each other (they held us up and controlled us like we were puppets, we couldn't really move much) and said things to turn us against each other in our ears while they did it. They made us act like animals, like cats, and made us walk on our hands and knees and get on their laps.

They wanted to create false memory syndrome. They wanted to make "designer mental illnesses." The pleasure wasn't just rape, it was about destroying me mentally and making me insane. The people I remember doing this to me were psychologists and professors who knew my family.

What the fuck kind of trauma even is that? I look at my memories and I'm like "I don't think that happens though." Like that's not a thing that exists in reality, like dragons or some shit.

I found a listing of the colors associated with programming sessions and alternate identity names in the possession of two people from my memories. Which makes me wonder - what even is that? Why does this programming thing involve colored lights and specific alters? How did they know to do that? Do they just trade cues used in sessions? Why? How is that possible?

All the while, I get these flash backs and have these episodes and I'm like. How did I miss this happening when it happened? I was insane and had intrusive memories/flashbacks the next day when it was going on (kind of like how you remember some things randomly when you black out from drinking the next day), but you'd think I'd be able to say how I was being abducted.

I randomly think half of reddit is The Human Traffickers because something about someone's username will set off a horrible flashback - often with pain and feelings of being drugged or vertigo or a sense of nausea- and I get confused. I've yelled at random people on the internet thinking they're Them.

I feel psychotic. I AM out of touch with reality when I flash back, and I do that three or more times a day on a good day.

I can't do anything about these and they're ruining my life. Antipsychotics make them more vivid and I re-experience the pain of being tortured so badly I ended up in the hospital. I feel trapped. I need to go back on medications, all meds make me remember at a faster pace than I do without them, but the memories are painful in both a physical and mental way.

I guess i'm just venting. I feel like a public menace. This is ruining my life. I can't function.