hi. It's me, Satsuma, for the millionth goddamn time in however long recently.

Whenever there's abandonment, or neglect, I get triggered here. I hate it. I'm like 14 and want to rip everyone who hurts us in this way to absolute fucking shreds (please, I am not a factually violent creature. I feel violence and "mother, I crave violence", but nobody external ever suffers violence on my part)

At first our host kept saying he didn't know whether I was actually not even real, and it was just us splitting in the BPD sense (a previous post around confusion over whether I was actually just his bpd got removed because I think wording got misconstrued), but I'm pretty sure it's both. We BPD split on someone or have someone otherwise piss us off, and then it's me. How our best friend explained it (she also has BPD but not DID) said while splitting can cause dissociation, it doesn't cause complete changes in age, form, gender, personal tastes, beliefs outside of what has been split on, and she knows me and is sure it's actually me and not just BPD.

But anyway. I fucking hate it here, since I'm only ever triggered to front via pain (whether he's felt any or whether we've stumbled across something depressing that gets me or My Group (long story) near front or passively influencing, I'm never existing to actually just have "a good time". I don't know what "good" or "joy" or "happiness" are, I'm the result of me being stuck in our traumatic high school years, thus my almost exclusively emo music taste, fashion sense, and set ways to cope with things, plus my "I'm just a fucking kid!!(We're well in our 20s)

I don't know. I hate it here. I do have outlets so I'm not as destructive to us as I used to be, but that doesn't even matter. We don't have anyone who controls who fronts or when, so it's basically, whatever, we're fucked.

I have to constantly hold myself back on saying hateful things I don't even mean, to our friends, because I'm pretty antisocial.

I don't know. Hear me out, advice, whatever. I don't know anymore.

-satsuma.