Hi, I am Presley, a 14 year old alter with a few years of developmental delays in a 22 year old body. Since I came back 3 months ago, I noticed that the other ones in me who are adults are so open about their DID and are finding their own communities within their interests during our study break. I don’t know how to summarise any of the paragraphs below.

I want to have friends too! I want to join activities I like! I want to stop masking my autism! But every time I come out, my parents [body] say I need to stop acting like a strange person because I don’t speak normally, I don’t behave normally, and I don’t express normally. Normal meaning people without special needs. I was diagnosed with both as a child. The outer world gatekeeper (also an emotional protector) in my body told me this socialising with people inside a consistent imaginary world in my head for many years and not knowing what is going on externally is called dissociative identity disorder. She told me that we are now bodily an adult with adult things and I need to be a “big sister” now to teenagers 👀. So weird. The body was 14 years old when I last came out!

I went to lots of therapy in childhood and I carry lots of autism symptoms in what they call “an ableist world”, so the adult alters experience it a lot less. Context: the body has had moderate special needs and was advised to attend a special school, but my parents decided not to comply, and the body “miraculously recovered” at age 12 when a lot of alters like me disappeared 🙃. I used to mask all the time but not anymore because I get so tired and I still don’t get it right. Other alters aren’t masking and people don’t look at them weirdly at all, but every time I go outside, people looked at me because of my hand gestures, facial expressions and voice sounds — according to other alters and my family. My parents [body] scolded me both when I masked didn’t mask and refused to talk to me until I resume being a “normal person”, that is when I no longer interact with this world. They threatened to report this to the psychiatrist and psychologist to get me fixed if I act like this and they spot it one more time. Staff in public always make angry sounds whenever I approach them for help. All of this is making me uncomfortable.

I feel like nobody wants me all over again, especially when the negative memory gatekeeper and the inner world gatekeeper (also an intellectual protector) said it’s better if I don’t come out at all to avoid stirring trouble for them. But the positive memory gatekeeper countered this by implementing an internal programme to integrate me to the rest of them. She even searched for activities that I like, but those organisations say it’s only for normal people and someone like me is unwelcome. But I really want friends with special needs and attend activities with people that won’t look down on me. Last time I went to an activity, it was 4 years of gymnastics from body ages 10-14, and I was stuck with children between 4-9 years old without levelling up for the entire time due to learning difficult. I was also ignored by my former classmates whom I tried to befriend after they levelled up a year later and I developed my later diagnosed social anxiety disorder from all my bad socialising experiences.

My point is, I question if I could interact with others at all. The neutral memory gatekeeper suggested that I go to a social centre for people with special needs, but they aren’t taking me in anymore because the staff saw one of us years ago as a volunteer and believed that I didn’t need any support. The positive memory gatekeeper, who takes care of alters with more impactful special needs, tried to get me touch with the counsellor whom she used to work with, but she does not seem to be contactable anymore because she’s not answering our emails. This makes me sad because she was very helpful to the others.

Nowadays, whenever the other alters bring me up to their friends externally, they always sound worried or embarrassed. The academic alter (also a verbal protector) in my system likes to pretend that I don’t exist to carry the strong person image in front of her social circle. Their social circles don’t seem interested to meet me and the negative memory gatekeeper has a friend who even said he wanted to give me hate comments for being this way. Context: the negative memory gatekeeper makes online friends who have controversial views and they engage in taboo topics together. There are 5 gatekeepers in my system and they’re all mentioned in this post.

I feel lonely. There’s still so much about me that is hard for me to accept, let alone embrace. Other people now talk about neurodivergence these days online and it’s so alien to me. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve spent more than an hour texting these thoughts and feelings into this post. I just want someone to understand me and to reach me out. Please.