I am probably not DID. I do refer to myself as the Dart Collective.

I am in therapy for CPTSD. Adding ADHD, and perhaps some Autism adds intererst. My doc precribed the ADHD drugs to see if they would help with my focus. They do. My T. says a diagnosis of autism wouldn't make any difference in treatment, and since it costs about a thousand bucks to get 6the diagnosis, I ahven't bothered. I test well above threshold on most of the online tests.

I've taken the DES II test a couple times. Depending on how literally I take the percentage answers I get a score between 15 and 30.

I'm pretty functional. My reaction to trauma was to numb emotions. Generally I don't find emotions very useful, and I find being able to partially mute them to be an advantage.

However in the 2 years of therapy, I've become more aware of my emotional state and more aware of somatics. I rarely fully dissociate. Dual awareness has helped me with this. In some ways it's too bad. Turning my brain off was convenient and peaceful.

Here's the new thing however:

I have a new form of hijacking. Perhaps it's always been here and only now am I noticing it.

Persona A: High energy. Almost manic. Quick witted, hard working, very positive. Confident.

Persona B: Down. Lower edge of window of tolerance. Indifferent. Doom scrolls. Reluctant to go to bed.

Persona C: Very creative. Improvises on piano. Comes up with lots of ideas.

Persona D: Toxic shame. Low libido. Asexual in outlook.

Persona E: Reckless. Ignores bad consequences.

Persona F: High Libido. Tries to hookup with half the guys on Grindr.

Persona G: Law abiding, rule follower.

Persona H: Rebel. Shit disturber.

These persona are not exclusive. I get mixes of them. Unlike emotional flashbackes persona mixes can hang around for days.

But I don't consider them alters: When I'm in a mix, the contrary components are just, well wrong. "That's just wrong", the Ace persona thinks about the HL persona.

Some naturally go together. E and H for example. But I can be E, without being H. E.g. As E I will try pushing harder on trampoline, but am not rebellious. As H: I can quietly and carefully plan my fecal material redistribution plots.

But I don't think of these as alters. Near as I can tell there is no discontinuity of memory. So they all share the same memory space.

So how do less capable parts become Alters?

Some extra info. I've recognized parts. Only a few have ever communicated in words. Mostly it's playing 20 questions visualling scenes and 'feeling' if there is a resonance. There have been some intrusive memories (e.g. I was tell my parts,"this was long ago. And it happened only once" and in my minds eye, a toddler stood, an expression of defiance on his face, right arm raised, with a hand with fingers splayed. And I **knew* that splayed fingers didn't mean Five,but rather it meant Many.)

The CSA at age 3 is at this point only highly probable. Changes in behaviour are consistent with it. But on top of this I don't seem to have formed much of an attachment bond with either parent. Parents didn't take to Dr. Spock, and so believed in the prior theory that children should be handled as little as possible consistent with them being fed, clean, and the right temperature. Fortunately my sister (13 yr older) stepped in. Sis also stopped one attempt of my mom to throw me at the wall.

I have a 2 year old part, i think formed as a reaction to being left for 3 days at a local hospital. I needed eye surgery for a lazy eye. I have an early memory of standing in a crib, watching mom retreat down a hallway through a pair of double doors. I met this part in a lucid dream, hearing an argument coming from a house that matched the one I grew up in. Rest of the neighbourhood was very different. I call him bluestrip, as he wears a yellow tee with horizontal blue strips with faint green lines on the edges of the blue where the dye ran. Later I found pics of me wearing horizontally striped shirts. Alas, black and white pics.

There is Socks. He's post trauma, whatever happened. Refuses to be seen outside bed/bath not fully clothed. Including socks. Rest of my family was often barefoot. I also insisted on wearing underwear under my PJs Never went swimming. Never undressed to play in the sprinkler. Didn't wear shorts in summer until about age 9.