CW: RAMCOA/mind control, cutting, suicide mention

I hope there are some other RAMCOA survivors here who might understand more but by nature of TBMC trauma I wouldn't be surprised if there was limited response.

Parts who were mind controlled/programmed to avoid therapy have been really fucking us over lately. It was one thing when we were in more general trauma specialist services/psych wards but now we have a counsellor (Irish equivalent of a licensed therapist) who knows about TBMC and is much more attuned than she lets on. I'll call her K.

Our abuse started in infancy and as such programs are really hard to bypass and any time we try to break down a Lie we've been taught by our abusers, it gets built back up again in a few days or even hours. The only way we can even get any help is fortunately we don't have a program against writing things down and that's how we have to communicate big things with our counsellor, we can't speak it to her before our throat gets locked up.

We also came to the realization our current host is one of these programmed anti-therapy parts. It's not that he believes therapy is morally wrong but that fundamentally we should not be there. Every time since we've started counseling he or other parts will cut after therapy. Sometimes if we go get food or go to the park first before coming home they'll cut not as deep or not as many cuts when we get home.

Recently our host and other parts has been finding any reason possible to refuse to go to therapy. We frequently have pain flares (which we now think is pain holding parts co-conning) on the morning of therapy, or lie to K and say we're sick, and has even no-call-no-show her entirely twice now. She has the patience of a god and has simply offered to reschedule. Last week she offered video calling which our host said was too short notice (💀).

When other frequent fronters ask him why he won't go, he won't say or just laugh at us.

Maybe I also need to cut us some slack. This time last year we were in the psych ward trying to kill ourselves every two days. I'm not going to pretend I've always been the nicest part either but I'm the only one who really journals or is trying to get us to read Becoming Yourself or just generally trying to get us to go into therapy and it's really difficult.