We are a system of 6, and engaged to a man who just isn’t very emotional. One of our littles and one of our adult alters (who has the emotional ability of a child pretty much) has been caught in this cycle of dependency with our fiancé. Both of their emotional needs are very childlike—in that they expect a parental level of dependability, attentiveness, and special treatment from our partner. We are just now coming to accept that what we expect is codependency and can’t be fulfilled by our partner, but that leaves a LOT of questions and new territory. For starters—the only way I know to make them (the 2 codependent alters) stop expecting emotional stuff from him is to have me front all the time. Which would be better for our physical health and productivity, but bad for our social and emotional health; the adult alter who is dependent is the truest & most authentic version of ourselves, and I can’t meet her or our little’s needs bc they have a need to not be alone/be cared for, and even at my most parental and attentive I can’t make up for the actual presence of another person. Additionally, without the presence of that “need” for our partner, I literally don’t know what love is supposed to feel like. What she and our little have for him is so pure and when it’s going right it feels so amazing, I don’t think anything I could feel for another person would be half as emotionally fulfilling. I’ve been trying to do research on what are acceptable and normal needs from your partner but I’m not coming up with anything I connect to.

In short: 1. I don’t know what are acceptable and enjoyable needs one can ask of a partner. 2. I’d still like to try to meet the emotional needs of my little/other alter but I’m lost on how to meet them since I feel like the need is importance to another person (like, it has been the strongest—to the point of causing us ASMR for multiple minutes afterwards—when a friend unexpectedly gave a drawing they had made to us, and when a friend had just thrown in the random question of “do you prefer sweet, salty, or savory foods?” In a convo, but I don’t know to replicate that behavior on myself) 3. I (being the Protector alter) am great at being productive, getting our health needs met, etc, but I’m not currently able to meet our emotional needs thru myself bc I just don’t really connect to any emotion except anger and protectiveness. Should I be trying to expand my emotional palette or trying to figure out how to manage theirs?

Any advice would be appreciated—including advice just on how you manage your own littles without a caretaker if you do.

Thanks, Frankie