Hi, I go by Ronnie and I have a fairly stable system of 6. I have struggled with depression since middle school, and it has reached its peak in the last 5 years. I’ve done IMMENSE amounts of research into the brain, trauma, coping skills, and DID. I know my different alters’ wants and have been able care for them pretty well since I first started having other alters front. However, I’m unable to get out of the cycle of depression because the psychological need causing it just can’t be met; my little alters are completely heartbroken that they can never experience a “normal”, loving, and attentive childhood. They (rightfully) argue that we deserve to have someone in our lives that is fully safe and certain, but that belief places expectations on my partner that he just can’t meet.

On the other hand, my adult selves have their own goals and hopes, but we can never keep at them or find satisfaction in them because they feel like nothing compared to the Littles’ needs. It creates this dynamic where I mentally care about my goals and connections, but emotionally they are meaningless to me because they aren’t what I really want.

I’ve tried to have my adult selves fill the needs of the Littles, but that tends to make my emotional state worse since it replicates the emotional independence I had to have as a child.

I’ve tried just accepting the pain and trying to live within my values regardless, but it makes me miserable and a version of myself I don’t really like. Plus, I can only keep it up for a few days before the depression bounces back even worse.

And I’ve tried to make things work with my partner, but no amount of explaining how I feel or the needs I have makes it possible for him to treat me with that type of care and trying to supplement that care with another CG or even AI has proven impossible as well.

Since I can’t have what my most vulnerable parts want, and not being able to have it makes my other parts’ wants unsatisfying, I’ve found that all any of us want to do is sleep. Even though we often have blood-curdling nightmares, it still somehow feels more certain than facing the day.

I need help, and my therapist seems to think that I’ll just learn to manage these needs but I feel like if they were going to become manageable they’d have done it by now. And that requires acceptance that they’ll never be met—and that belief just makes the depression so much worse.

TL;DR: Littles can’t be happy if alone, but can’t have their needs met by those we’re close to. These unmet needs sour the enjoyment of our adult alters to the point that we can’t enjoy living within our goals & values. Need a solution to balancing the littles’ sadness and the adults’ wants.