Please don’t give rude replies. I know this can be a triggering and sensitive topic for people but I just need a place to feel safe to share how I feel.

Since January, I have gained 14lbs (79-93lbs).

Due to 21 years of being severely malnourished, I have this fear of getting fat or looking fat. And I know there are much worse things than looking fat. I know that. Logically. And I know that there’s nothing wrong with being overweight. AND I know I am FAR from it (I’m still 20lbs from a healthy weight).

But I’m still terrified. I’ve already noticed my face looking fuller and my jaw becoming less defined (my family genetically barely have visible chins). And this isn’t just me being fatphobic. I don’t think other people are ugly just because they have extra weight. It honestly just applies to me.

My whole life, I’ve had this (horrible) thought that if I was at least beautiful with great bone structure, guys might be willing to overlook the whole terminal illness thing - though so far, it doesn’t seem to have worked out that way. Even still, I can’t get the thought from my head. And I know there is so much more to life than finding a partner. But it’s like...the grass is greener on the other side. I’ve never had one and I can’t shake that deep want of wanting to experience it.

I also work in the film industry. They’re very critical of looks (obviously) and I’m scared I’ll never get to work if my face looks too fat.

I don’t know if anyone can help. And I don’t even know if I want help in this way. I do plan on trying to find a counselor when my insurance switches over, of course.

But I just need to know if someone else has been through this. Gaining so much weight after years of being thin and having to relearn how to love your body. I’m scared my EDs are gonna be heavily triggered the more weight I gain but I know I need the weight to be healthy.

I don’t know. I don’t know why I made this post. I don’t want people to get mad at me for being fatphobic. I don’t mean to be. I just am starting to hate my body and my friends and family treat me like I’m an attention whore because to them, I’m still really skinny.