Hi everyone, me and my boyfriend are new to this lifestyle. I have more information in my previous post from a similar subreddit, but I'm dealing with more mental obstacles surrounding this.

My boyfriend is dealing with the adjustment way more than me (don't blame him, he just gets to fuck other women carefree.) and I'm just noticing a few things that are concerning and I don't know what to do about it, and I thought it would be good to get some opinions from like-minded people.

First of all, I wanna make it clear that I'm not into the degrading/sadism part of being a cuckquean. I like the idea of just watching my bf and encouraging him and stuff like that and then also getting fucked afterwards with aftercare. or anything less than that, no more. like I still want to be special and included and feel loved. I want to be treated above the girl he is fucking, not below or even equal. just to give a general description of my boundaries.

Well, first of all, I've been having a lot of anxiety about me being...enough for him I guess. like I still prefer it when it's just me and him, for example. And even though we haven't physically added someone into the mix, every time we do anything even if he starts out only focusing on me he ends up asking if he can text other women on his phone while I ride him, or he'll just do dirty talk/fantasize about it in general. I'm worried that me alone is getting too boring or like it just isn't enough anymore and it makes me feel sick to think about. I wanted it to be a fun thing that we do semi-often/often but not every single time. But I feel like I can't tell him that because I want him to just focus on me only when he genuinely wants to, not out of pity or because he feels like I'll get upset if he doesn't do it. So I really have no clue how to navigate it, and even just recently it has started to take the enjoyment out of the kink in general, because even though I enjoy it, it's now making my heart sink every time I notice him always wanting "more than me," you know? He has made it clear verbally that he still really enjoys when it's just me and him involved and that he has no plans at all to have it only be involving this kink, but I've just noticed since he said that that he'll start out trying to only focus on me but eventually it always leads back to the cuckquean kink, so I don't know. I don't hold it against him at all of course. Like, I don't blame him or anything and I always always want him to be pleased and satisfied and happy, I'm just being anxious about it. And also, to be fair, it has not been a long time since we started this. Maybe the new will wear off and it will be less often, but it's just an anxiety I have right now.

The other problem is just anything positive he says about me that is related to my physical appearance. Well, not ANY compliment. Like, if he's calling me beautiful or something it's different. But if he makes a comment about my ass or something it would usually make me smile a lot and feel good about myself, but my brain keeps telling me "he says that to so many women now, is it even special anymore?" and it has just been making me feel sour and sad, and I have no clue how to talk to him about any of this or if I should at all. This one sucks really bad because his compliments to me have always always made me feel so happy and good and warm, but today I noticed that they just fell flat because I would always think that thought. am I being crazy/selfish, or am I valid? because that thought alone makes me feel like a bitch. I don't know.

Thanks everyone in advance!

TLDR: my bf wants to engage in my kink more than me and it's making me sad, and his compliments to me feel less special to me because of our new lifestyle change and idk what to do or say about it or if I should say anything at all