I hope that I am not violating a rule, but there is a bit of a story here intended to illustrate the nature of my curiosity.

I’m 64. Growing up in Texas, the biggest insult you could give someone was to call them a queer. Now my friends and I had nothing against gay people, but that was the last thing we wanted to be. This was the late 70’s. One afternoon about a dozen of us were gathered around drinking beer and being guys. On of us pointed out that, statistically, at least one of us was gay. Picture a bunch of teenage guys of that time being told that. We were all, “yeah, you’re the queer.” But the person making the point, pushed on ignoring the horsing around. He said, “having grown up the way we have, if one of us were gay, we might not realize it.”

That made sense to me. So I started thinking about it. Is it possible that I could be gay? I filed that question away. My first observation was that all of my wet dreams had been about women. A few weeks later I was traveling and had a long layover in an airport. After a couple of hours I noticed that I had noticed women of all ages but not paid any attention to guys. Pretty clearly, I was not gay.

But I was also in college by this time and being exposed to more people and ideas. It occurred to me that I really loved women and wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy all people that way. I began to wonder how flexible one’s sexuality could be. A few years later, I was at the home of close friends who were a male female couple. They had a hot tub. He and I got in, of course no clothes. A little while later she came out in a very sheer robe. Rather than getting right in, she flirted around awhile providing lots of voyeurism. I definitely had a hard on. Then she got in and the two of them provided quite a show. Finally, she announced that we were all going in to enjoy the fire in the fireplace. I was not in a state for standing up. Her husband got out in full erection. I was lingering thinking about things to ease my erection. She looked me in the eyes and said, “don’t try to hide it, I know you have a boner. So I followed them into the house as I was.

There was I roaring fire in the fireplace. She sat in a rocking chair facing the fire and instructed us to sit on the floor on a large rug. She announced that she was very horny and needed to masturbate. The fire was no longer the main attraction. We watched her as she pleasured herself for about five minutes before she had a very load orgasm.

While these were close friends I had been skinny dipping with many times, we had never been at all sexual.

Her husband was stroking but I was freaked and extremely turned on. She stood up and announced that she was going to bed and we were not to follow her.

I laid there in a state of shock and excitement. The husband didn’t say anything. After a few minutes he got up to put another log on the fire. The way I was laying, he needed to reach over me. What wasn’t necessary was for him to put his erect cock in my face, but that is what he did. Unbelievably, I opened my mouth and sucked his cock. It was only for a few seconds but it totally shocked me that I did that. I could not process it. What made me do that? Was I able to do that because I was so turned on by his wife? Did I like it or not? I could not tell.

A few years later my wife and I were with and old girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever dated and her boyfriend was literally a model. He was unabashed bi. We got drunk and a bit naked. She asked if her boyfriend could kiss me. This was not something I wanted to do. They all encouraged me. I agreed to a five second kiss. I did not find this pleasant.

How curious. Sucking a cock was not unpleasant but kissing a guy was.

This was the time before XTC was illegal. That drug was an absolute aphrodisiac. It was during this time that I discovered that I was turned on by my wife being with other men. More confusion on the nature of my sexual desires.

Several years later I became a bull for another couple. The focus was on her but he and I would casually touch and not freak out. One night he was penetrating her and I was kissing her. She pushed me down to her breast. After a bit she asked me to go down on her. I objected but she kept encouraging and pushing my head down. Not wanting to disappoint her, I kissed my way down to her belly button. I lingered there but she kept pushing. More slowly, I continued to kiss her moving down. As I lingered and hesitated I began to smell their combined sex. Oh lord, that was such a turn on. I finished my trek to her clit at which point she exploded triggering his orgasm. I retreated in time to avoid a full seamen experience. But that was and incredibly erotic experience.

So there are some bi experiences I can enjoy, when in very erotic situations. I don’t think there is a level of turned on that would allow me to enjoy kissing a man or wanting to have anything to do with his ass. I’m pretty sure any level of bisexuality for me would require the presence of a woman.

Within the psychology of our sexuality we lack the lexicon to handle the complexity of who we are. I would hate to say that I am bi, lest someone think I can do more than I would be comfortable with. How do we create language with more subtlety? am I barely bi?