I am looking at my kink a little closely at the moment. I think it's because I'm watching this show called 'Dexter' and although that show is about a man with a compulsion to kill, I find alot of his self reflection and questions about himself relate to how I feel about my own compulsion. If you don't know the show, he is not a psychopath (although he is a serial killer in the context of the show) but he has feelings and empathy etc. Basically it's a scenario which in real life would not exist in that context, but the idea of a compulsion which makes you question your morals and identity can definitely exist, and for me it exists inside this kink.

I am not so much into humiliation, although there are elements of it there, for example I do like her to tell me the other guy fucks her better than me and makes her cum harder, but the concept of a man trying to actively belittle me would bring a whole other side out of me. The man in this scenario is an object, a prop in my divergent little kink. I would feel jealous if my wife, outside of the sexual context, had feelings for another man. If she were to tell me she likes or loves him more than me it would hurt, immensely, my world would be over, she is my twin flame, my balance, the yin to my yang, but in the heat of a sexual exchange I am fine with it. As long as we can return to baseline after.

As of yet we have not done anything for real, just talked about it during sex. During sex she is very into it, highly aroused and it's evident. Outside of sex she tells me she has no interest, she is not into this kink, she just enjoys when we have sex and how naughty I am when we are talking about it. I can see that. I am objectively pretty good at taking her body to places, she is very satisfied with me in most areas. The only area there is room for improvement is body. I do not have a muscular physique and I am not hung. I know she would very much enjoy the feeling. She loves big dicks, she openly tells me, she loves how they feel and they do make her cum harder than mine, although my other methods for making her cum create some of the largest orgasms she has had, and this is in part due to the picture I create in her mind when we talk fantasies, but not through penetration, which she tells me feels different (in a good way) and I want her to experience that, I want to know about it, or see it, experience it with her in a way.

It leaves me in a bit of a limbo. She is very anti when we talk about it outside of sex. She asked me to find a website she had lost the other day, so she gave me her phone to find it, I found it in the history and whilst there I noticed she had asked Google 'what to do when my husband likes hotwife lifestyle but I don't'. So there is evidence she really isn't gonna be into this, but then there is other information like her endowment preference and excitement during fantasy which indicate she might.

And then it leads me to where I am now. What do I do? I feel a compulsion. I want more than just talking about things. Even if it isn't going all the way, but at least toying around with chatting to people online, or posting some pictures, just something more than simple fantasy talk. And knowing its unlikely to happen, and feeling like I can't even really ask because she has answered it, when I have asked multiple times before, leaves me feeling like I have an itch I cannot scratch.

Then there is the worry of what it does to our relationship if I ever scratched it anyway, but that's another question.

I try to avoid certain subjects in bed, but they keep coming up. Encouraging her to fantasise about previous sexual partners (which she does successfully). I try to go down on her and see if she will text someone while I do it. And each time I tell myself I should stop, but each time I end up doing it again. I even tried to vow to not do it for the next 5 times, got to 2 and on the 3rd time I gave in. I hate that I don't have total control over how I feel about it, especially during PNC. But not long after I'm right back to wanting to do it all again.

Is it something I am only trying to control for her, is that why I go back to it each time, because there is nothing really wrong with it, or is it something I want to reduce, but can't? Like an addiction.

It feels like an addiction due to my lack of control over it, and the compulsion, but is it? And what do I do? We are not compatible on that specific department it seems, but if I live my whole like never being able to satisfy this want, how will I feel about that?

Looking forward to your thoughts.