This is gonna be all over the place and super long so i apologize in advance.

My (29f) boyfriend (31m) have been together 5 years. I love him very much, but our relationship is starting to go south. During the first 3 years of our relationship he cheated on me pretty frequently. Most of it was just texting exes or old flings, flirting with them etc. But he actually slept with other people 3 times that I know of. One of them was a girl he used to talk to and had slept with before we got together, one was a girl he paid $100 to come sleep with him in my bed while I was at work, and the other was someone I had allowed him to have a one night stand with and he actually went behind my back and slept with her again. Please don't judge me for staying, I really thought he was "the one" and still love him very much. He's not all bad either, he takes care of my son (from a previous marriage) just like he's his own, he takes care of me fully financially, and pretty much anything I need I can get it from him. He's also changed a lot during the course of our relationship, he used to yell at me a lot and he has almost completely stopped now. The cheating has dwindled down from constant to once every few months he will send out a few texts or try to pick up a hooker. He really has a big heart deep down and I'm not trying to paint him as a bad person at all. We all make mistakes and everyone is capable of change (which he has done a lot of). It's also important to note I was his first long term relationship, everything before me didn't last or was just about sex or just a fling. I also want to note that I did cheat back one time. I picked what I thought was the most ducked up thing he did (sleeping with the girl in my bed while I was at work) and did the same back to him while he was at work one night. I wanted him to see how it felt. This was about 2 years ago. More on that later though.

Now, he has a fetish. His fetish is being a cuck. I wasn't into it at first, he wanted me to sleep with random men off the internet (reddit, fetlife, etc) and that's just not my jazz. I have to know someone to enjoy sex with them. I have to be comfortable and have some type of friendship at least to want to sleep with someone. Enter stage left, my friend we will call MR (43). MR was a guy I met on a dating site on a whim. We added each other on Instagram and started talking. He did not know I had a boyfriend and did not know about the cuck stuff obviously. MR started off as someone I was just supposed to sleep with and possibly film it for my boyfriend, but as we talked we found out we have a lot of stuff in common, and the conversation is easy. He quickly became a friend and someone I still talk to daily. I must also mention that MR is the same guy I slept with while my boyfriend was at work, to get back at him for cheating on me. This is the one and only time I ever cheated on my boyfriend. I know it was wrong, and two wrongs don't make a right, and all of that. I wanted him to feel the hurt he was causing me and MR was the only person I was close enough to to be comfortable enough to have sex with. That's not to say MR is the only person I've slept with during the course of our relationship. I tried a few times sleeping with guys off the internet that boyfriend would find, we tried me picking the guy for a one night stand and filming it for him, we tried several different ways to make this cuckholding thing work to where we can BOTH get what we need out of it. Through all of this, I have learned that I really just can't enjoy sex unless I have a connection with the person. It doesn't have to be romantic, I've had friends with benefits like this before and nothing romantic ever came from it, there just has to be good conversation and a sense of familiarity and comfort. I don't wanna give my body to someone I don't know or don't vibe with, and I feel like this is pretty common among most women and not a hard concept to understand. Boyfriend just doesn't get it, doesn't get why I can't have one night stands or why I need to at least talk to a person, even though I've tried to explain to him that one night stands make me feel gross and used and I can never cum because I literally don't know the person and it's just all around not enjoyable for me. I do have some sexual trauma as well so that could play a factor. I want to state very clearly, I DO NOT HAVE ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR MR. It genuinely is just what I said, the conversation is good, we have a lot in common so we can easily talk about things (video games, movies, music, etc). And as I said I do still talk to him daily. Boyfriend has allowed me to sleep with him twice since I cheated with him, which I think is very gracious. One time he did ask me to film it (I did, with MR permission). And the other time he didn't ask me to film it. I must also add this last time when he didn't ask me to film was just a few days ago. Which brings me to the point of my question.

Basically boyfriend thinks the cuck stuff, or allowing me to sleep with other people has ruined our relationship. I say it was all his idea in the first place and have even offered to block MR or at least stop sleeping with him. He tells me he doesn't care, but in a bad way not a "go ahead" way. He says he doesn't love me anymore, or at least not "in love" with me. Which really hurts because like I said, all of this was his idea. It took MONTHS of him pestering me about it before I even was willing to try it. I was a one man lady. But now it has gotten to a point where I do enjoy MR company, and the sex is great for the most part. I don't really want it to stop, although I would stop it for the sake of my relationship. I also feel like because I stayed through him actually cheating on me, he should stay through this especially since I was given permission to do it and it was his idea in the first place. I feel cheated in a way. I stayed through him cheating and continue to stay regardless of whatever he does, but now he's making comments about wanting to fuck someone else. I told him I was okay with it if it was a prostitute. He says since I "don't follow the rules" he shouldn't have to either. If he cheats on me again over something he TOLD me to do, I'm done. But did I ruin our relationship by sleeping with this guy even though he told me to?

ETA: I had sex with MR unprotected twice, both of the times my boyfriend allowed me to sleep with him (without permission, it just kind of happened the first time and the second time I figured whatever damage had already been done).