The fantasy which gets me going the most, is what would have been my biggest fear.

When we first started dating, she had immediately before that been dating another guy, a guy who I also knew, he was tall, and fit, and was black, which was her preference growing up.

He wasn't committed, or seeming like the type who would, and he was playing her, but I think she would have liked him to be more serious, but he wasn't and she accepted that reality. She has said in heat of conversations with me in the past "it was just wild sex between he and I, it was never anything serious" - all I heard was wild sex -

They had just stopped dating when I ended up in the right place at the right time. Now don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my own charm, game, coolness etc and I know she wanted to get with me. She had a choice of me or other guys, I knew of them, they are all more physical 'specimens' than me, but she still choose me. We connect in deep ways and I know she didn't connect with other people like this.

It's been years, but I can never let go of this feeling that she would have picked him over me if he were more serious. And that bothers me. It used to bother me with fear and insecurity, and then it started turning into arousal. Now, it's so arousing that it's nearly exclusively what I fantasise about - her, wanting to hook up with him, him being bigger and better in bed, her cumming harder, the way i think he used to actually make her cum. I make her cum hard, but with mouth and hands, never that hard with just the dick. But i know he did. She likes big dicks, she has told me, she loves when we watch porn, she loved being fucked deep, all the signs point toward me being right, and it turns me on like crazy.

Until I cum, then it's shame and fear - 'why am I encouraging something that could damage our relationship?' I think to myself. But would it? Is he just good sex? Does that make him the perfect candidate?

Who knows. It could go either way. I'd say it's not worth the risk, but when I'm horny I'm willing to risk it.

All I know is deep down that guy is the biggest threat, and yet, i have turned that fear onto a fetish which I hate, but also love!