Hi. I'm slightly changing some details for privacy sake.

My gf (27) and me (41) have been together for over 3 years, lived together, and are generally crazy about each other. Great sex, great vibes, great connection.

She recently started a 3-year training program in a regional city about an hour and a half away - close enough to see each other pretty frequently, too far to still live in the same place. For reasons (house, family, parents, job) I can't move from where I am so moving there or living half way doesn't work.

There was no conflict when she made the decision to go to this program and it wasn't a pretext for a breakup. If she's going to continue to advance in her career, which is something both she and I want for her, she has to do a program like this, and this is the closest one that's half decent.

Anyway, I'm posting to this board so obviously this is about cuckolding, which has always been a huge fetish of mine - it just turns me on in a way nothing else does. We've role played many times, and she's even gone on dates with other men in town prior to moving. No sex happened but one blowjob and a few making out sessions. It was ok hot, but she never really let loose with anyone.

She has always been super strongly bonded to me, which was great in terms of me not feeling threatened, but also a barrier to cuckolding because she "never liked anyone else" and she "only wanted" me. The result of this was indulging her going on dates with other men was pretty safe. Not that I didn't stress out, because I did, but she came home to me and we talked about stuff all the time.

Now she lives and hour and a half away and we see each other about every two weeks. For reference on what she's like, she's super feminine, very attractive, thin, a total knockout. Any straight man would want to get with her. She's also smart and talented and great wife material. I'm not without my appealing aspects either. I'm good looking, fit, professionally and financially successful, and emotionally available. That said, I'm older than her and now live in a different city. I know when I was younger if a girl like her told me she had a boyfriend who lives out of town, I wouldn't care, and it wouldn't slow down my pursuit of her for a second.

Anyway, she's been gone about a month, and some man asked her out. She asked me about it and I was pretty ambivalent. She was like, well maybe this will turn you on? I didn't tell her no, but I wasn't urging her to do it either. More like, you're a big girl and it's not my place to control you. You're going to make your own choices regardless and I'd rather hear about it, than have you keep secrets.

So last night they went out. She wasn't the most communicative about it/didn't really confirm if she was going or not before. I saw her on our tracking app at a bar for like 4 hours. When she left, she said she went to a party. I asked her if she went anywhere else, and only then did she say "oh yeah, I went out with that guy after." Her position is that I asked about the party and she didn't realize I was also asking about the date. It's at least possible her point is true. The text thread is too ambiguous to say for sure. Anyway, I was jealous and upset, but it was late and I didn't want to get into it, and didn't want to say anything I'd regret.

We talked this morning. She said she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, but she also likes flirting and going out, etc. and she knows it turns me on, and it could be a fun adventure. I explained that the situation was giving me some anxiety and I didn't know how I really felt which is true.

Here's my situation as far as I can understand it right now. She is going to do what she wants to do. Part of me feels like it's good for her to get more sexual experiences and be with more men because she's younger than me and I don't want to stand in her way of getting the most out of her late 20's. I also really do love her and again because I'm older I think it's really important that she makes her own choices without pressure or manipulation from me. I also don't want to lose my connection and relationship with her even if that relationship changes from what it's been before. Also, I do get turned on by the thought of being cucked, and in my mind I've fantasized about it happening - now it's about to be real.

Flip side. This stresses me out like crazy. The parts that stress me out are the thought of losing her permanently, her preferring her new lover - which of course she will at least when it's new and exciting, the thought of the other guy shit talking her and my relationship drives me up the wall, and my fear this this is just the start of a year or more of us losing connection with each and drifting apart to some point where she's just like "you're not the priority in my life anymore." I don't like any of that. That doesn't turn me on.

Realistically, I can't control her and she is going to do what she wants. I can either be a part of it or not - that's my choice and what I can control. Part of me wants to bail on the relationship so badly and there are so many ways I could. At the same time, I'm insanely sexually curious about her getting it from other men, and she's going to do it whether I'm supportive or not. The difference is she'll probably hide it if I'm difficult about it, but she'll share the details and make it part of our sex life if I'm supportive.

I'm just worried about my self respect and self confidence and if I can really handle this. Also, I have exactly zero people I can talk to about this. I don't tell my friends, parents, siblings, etc. I'm embarrassed about being a cuck and I don't want anyone to know that about me. I worry about it getting out that I'm a cuck and I let my girlfriend be with other men, and I'm worried about what it means about my self respect and self worth if I don't even ask to see other women - which is something I'm not actually interested in doing.

This is a novel, but like I said, I have no one to talk to and it felt good to write it down.

Edit: the rules seemed to have changed here so I'm posting this. I'd welcome any dm requests to offer support. I really have no one to talk to about this.