Let me preface this by stating that I am not against the act of cuckolding. There are plenty of relationships that seem to thrive off the bull/hotwife, vixen/stag, etc lifestyle and I would be an utter hypocrite to kink shame. This is merely venting this out and seeking advice for something I have been doing and not proud of it.

Flash back to 2014, I was in a LDR with someone on the East Coast whom allegedly was friends with her ex. He apparently was endowed with an 8" x 6" cock and when she once saw it after I allowed them some petting, she came. I essentially took the bite and managed to receive posts about her getting orgasms, getting railed hard, even getting railed rough. It became addicting to read to the point where I pushed it more than my own happiness and wishes and ended up breaking it off.

Since then, I have been using what can be a great kink for sabotaging purposes. A three year relationship was initially wrecked by me wanting to watch my then-partner fuck someone else (luckily, we did manage to work it out and not return to the act). All the relationships I have had since have been lacking a cuckold dynamic, but always leaves intrusive thoughts.

Namely that I should pursue this kink for them. That I should let myself watch as somebody else is pleasing this person I have feelings for, making them cum, even potentially falling in love with them. I have gone thru this thinking out of a notion of imposter syndrome, out of the belief that this person I pursue isn't someone I deserve when things go well, even of selfesteem in not being where i want to be in life for them. And that, perhaps if I pursue this dynamic, then I can make sure somebody else that probably fits them takes them from me, leaving me feeling stung, but at least they're happy.

The problem is my wanting to not think of this when I pursue someone because it isn't healthy to do so for this dynamic and even I know it sounds harsh. I don't want to sabotage myself with this dynamic and feed into the cycle of self loathing, but it gets really hard when I can't get who I pursue, and don't want those who pursue me.

Any advice/scolding/tough love I can take is appreciated