This week, a bull is coming over to cuckold me. I'm going to share some of my thoughts that I wrote down. I'd love feedback. Sometimes, I think i'm deranged...

My wife doesn't understand why I want to feel the psychological pain of cuckolding. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I think I want it to help me work through shame issues that I have. Here are some thoughts.

Some earlier trauma that may be relevant:

- when I was ~17, my girlfriend told me that my friend had a much bigger dick than me. (even though i'm a respectable 6.5x5.5)

- when I was ~21, I broke up with a girl but we still talked a little. I asked her about a date she went on and she ssaid they were making out in the back seat of a cab. i asked her if she felt his cock, and she told me that he was much bigger than me

- when I was ~23, I was dating an 18yo girl who still lived with her mom. one day while i was there, her mom casually said to me, "My daughter told me that you have really small balls." it felt so mean, but it definitely turned me on

These events compound my shame given this other fact. In 13 years, I've never been able to make my wife orgasm without her using a toy while I fingered her. And even then, it often takes her a long time and she gets really frustrated at me and her and the situation and, frankly, our chemistry.

I love my wife a lot and I'm a very honest person. She's finally arranged for a bull to come of this week to try and satisfy her. And part of me really wants it to hurt. I've tried so many times to satisfy her, that I feel like I've given it my best.

I hope that he comes over and spreads her legs and makes me sit in the corner and watch.

I want him to make me do something humiliating. Like maybe take all of my clothes off.

I kinda hope he made her buy a chastity cage ahead of time and that he makes her put it on me. The symbolism of my failures.

I wish he'd make me touch his bigger and better cock and guide it into her. Make me feel his power and help me be involved in her pleasure, for once.

I wish he'd point out how pathetic her husband is for not satisfying her in 13 years.

If he thinks that she's too distracted thinking about me looking pathetic in the corner, he can kick me out of my bedroom. Please just satisfy my wife.

I'm giving him the opportunity to make her his little slut. And there's nothing I can do about it. And I like giving up and letting go for once.

If he makes her orgasm. I hope she tells me that I have to suck his cock as a token of appreciation for finally bringing my wife the pleasure that I cannot. I'll likely ask "do i have to?" and I hope she says yes. And I hope they make fun of me if I get an erection.

I hope he starts pleasuring her every week. Maybe he can teach me how.

If he can make her cum, I'll be forever indebted to his superior-ness.

If he can satisfy my wife, I'll do anything he wants.

I want my wife to candid throughout the entire thing. Be honest. "He fucks better." "His cock feels so much better." "You look pathetic." "You're just a sissy cuckold now."

And afterwards, I want her to cuddle and hug me. Tell me that it's okay and that she still loves me. "I'll always love you and your little cock, cuck."

Any words of advice?