Need help working through what’s become my marriage. I know this isn’t the typical way couples get started and I know the betrayal on her part is inexcusable. But how can I find a way to be happy being me like this?

We fantasized about her fucking other guys for years during sex. Hit a rough patch in the marriage and she cheated with an older guy for months. I found out about it, exposed it, and confronted her. Awful experience. So painful. We drank a little that night and near the end of our conversation, with me crying for most of it, she mumbles that she wanted me there with them at times. She asked if it is so bad to just enjoy someone else for sex. We ended up having sex that night and for weeks after. I self caged myself privately and it made me feel good and comfortable with all of this. I never used a cage before this. I still cry about it and we don’t talk about it unless we have sex.

During sex I call her Queen and thank her for her affair and for being brave enough to swallow cum and allow him to enter her without a condom. She often slaps my cock hard and makes me thank her more loudly and openly. She rides me, cums on me, then has me jerk off on myself to finish and it’s over until the next time. I am not allowed to cage myself or discuss it so I sneak the cage and wear it to work and when I am alone. It hurts what she did and I think the cage is a sort of pacifier that soothes somehow. It is so hard to wrap my mind around me accepting what she did and helping her cum to it and then me not being allowed to be me in being free with who I am and what comforts me and my body. 😞

Thanks for reading and replying.