It was 7 years ago, at first I (currently 21m) didn't think of you (currently 20f or 21f) differently than I think of anyone else, then it started. I don't know when really or what triggered it but that day I started looking at you from a whole other perspective has changed my life.

We were on the same class (back in collège, in 3ème D, ou A), were assigned to do chemistry labs together. I was shy, overly shy, I still am, you asked why I didn't talk much and like the idiotic moron I am I dismissed you with a more than cold answer. "Because I don't like to", this sentence has been on my mind more than any other: regretting the wording, how coldly it was delivered, etc... .

After a major change in my life, I didn't attend classes for what seemed to me to be an eternity but was probably only 3 months. Still passed and went on for the next step : lycée.

Of course you were there, these 3 years. The best I could do was catching glimpses in the corridors. I find you beautiful, smart, I love how hearing your voice soothes me and hearing you laugh fills me with joy.

Learning more and more about you as time flies by, before I realize it what might have seemed to be a benine crush turned into love; genuine and warm love.

I would try to take actions to get myself as close as possible, in all the ways accessible to a very shy individual. Some got me in "trouble", others didn't. If only I could share a few classes with you, once more.

I genuinely care about how you feel, what you're into. I don't think I ever felt happiness before seeing you smiling. It really is in the small details. There was this one time you were part of a sort of group to collect funds for a good cause, all one had to do was to get people to deliver a certain amount of money per lap for the race and the run as long as you can, getting as many laps as possible.

I don't really think that highly of things like destiny, but the fact that you were the one approaching me and my best friend about it did feel like it. You even asked why we seemed so familiar to which I replied, timidly, "we were in the same class in college". Of course I signed up, how could I refuse after seeing the passion in those deep eyes of yours.

I didn't get that many people on my side, even went to myself giving my own money (I was still 16 or 17 at the time). I did my best to not run out of breath and get as many laps as I physically could. I don't think I ever gave my whole in any sportive situation except that one.

Seeing you every lap, checking on participants, gave me a little bit more strength to continue. Ironically enough, you even were the one I gave back my race infos to change and leave; giving it after my best friend, seeing how you were having a hard time with the stickiness of it, I did what my own selfishness and lack of care should have forbidden me: I made it easier for you, peeling it myself and putting the sticky ends together so you wouldn't struggle with mine.

This seems like a basic human being stuff to do, but this little insignificant action made me smile for days on, thinking about the little smile you gave me after doing so.

Then it was time to get out of the lycée and go to the university, at least that's where you went as far as I know. I went the easy route (DUT) to later get into an engineering school.

I know this "crush" should have faded a long time ago, but I'm glad it didn't. I'm glad because thinking of you influenced every step of the way, making me a better version of myself than I would have if it had faded.

I had my doubts, there were moments I felt like I wasn't really in love with you but rather with the idea of you or even the idea of having a girlfriend altogether. I guess that's what you get when you mix shyness, awkwardness, anxiety and imposter syndrom.

It's been 7 years, every thought about it has gone through my head. The only thing I couldn't bring myself to do was confess. I've done it once when I was a little kid, didn't work out because my perspective on life was so simplistic and superficial. It's not that I didn't want to try, it's just that I couldn't bear myself to the inevitable possibility of a rejection.

But this is going to change now. I've already tried a few months ago but couldn't come up with anything; this time though, it's definitive.

I'll never fully be ready to smoothly handle rejection but I can't go on forever hoping for a goddamn miracle to happen IRL. I can't live forever with an unresolved "maybe she would" in my mind. I probably can't handle a "no", but if it's the outcome I'm ready to accept it, you've done enough to change my life without knowing it, you don't owe me anything as a matter of fact I owe you more than you could ever owe me.

I will try my best to express accurately how I feel about you. If it goes wrong, too bad I'll have to move on eventually, if it goes well maybe in a near future I'll be reading this to you stating how dumb and shy I am.

Anyway, I love you LJ, more than I have ever loved anything or anyone.

-- LG