I work in a team of seven, my coworkers are cis men, I‘m a trans man, and I think everyone (except for me) is straight. I do get not-quite-so-straight vibes from two of them, one being my crush, but I might well be wrong.

so my crush, „Ben“, is awesome. he‘s kind and funny, incredibly charming, and god he‘s the only person who I can smell if they DON‘T stink, despite being seriously noseblind when it comes to body odor. he knows a lot about our job and he‘s so confident about not knowing everything, but figuring it out. sometimes there are difficulties in communication but I attribute that to our brains being wired differently (he seems neurotypical and I‘m most likely autistic). I like working with him, well at least as long as I have work to focus on. I still get easily distracted by my wandering mind, especially once we‘ve reached the waiting stage of the workday.

I think one other coworker, „Bob“, noticed. Bob is very perceptive when it comes to others‘ emotional state. and he has quite the questionable sense of humor (he can be quite a bully and thinks racism is funny, but that‘s a whole different can of worms). now I‘m not sure wether it‘s just a coincidence or he has a suspicion, but every so often Bob makes these remarks about Ben that kinda seem like he wants to provoke a reaction from me? it might just be cis guys being cis guys, but having been raised as girl with girls I know little about how cis guys naturally interact with each other, especially when there‘s no women present. despite not having started medically transitioning my coworkers treat me like a guy and I‘ve noticed them behaving in ways many cis guys didn‘t when I was still presenting female (or don‘t when they read me as female), so it really just might be guys being guys.

I can‘t shake the feeling that Bob suspects something.

just to be clear, I have zero intention to do something about my crush. I wish I could just turn it off but feelings don‘t work that way, so I‘ll just keep it to myself and deal with it. I don‘t want that kind of workplace romance, I really don‘t want things to get awkward and I especially don‘t want any of my coworkers to know. it‘d all be way too awkward and embarrassing, and I really don‘t want to deal with that.