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New here/road to embracing being a cougar
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New here

I've been lurking for a while, and I wanted to say how nice it was to find this group. I'm not a typical woman, and I haven't quite decided if I'm ready to go anywhere near the dating pool, let alone stick my toe in it, but it's still great to hear from other women with similar tastes.

Since I'm new, here's a "short" introduction (in case anyone cares, but I figured it's polite):

I'm a 44 year old woman who's been attracted to younger men (age range 18-25) all my life. Through age of 25, I was never with man older than 21. I noticed even back then that I always like them younger, and despite being young myself, I already realized (and, honestly, worried), that was I rapidly heading into cougar territory. The first time I was strongly attracted to a man of the ripe old age of 25, I was in my thirties.

I got married to an 18 year old at 18. That lasted until I was 20 and he fell in love with a coworker of his. We divorced, but friendly, and on good terms. Spent the next six years enjoying those young'ens as much as I could. At 26, I decided if I ever wanted a serious relationship again, I should focus on more age-appropriate men (a decision that pained my younger-man loving heart). Well, that turned into a disaster. I had a one year relationship from 26-27 and another one from 34-35, and didn't date at all in between.

At 35, I decided to do some reflecting and figured out why dating and relationships didn't work for me. I guess the fact that men literally considered, respected, and liked me as another man (rather than a woman or tomboy) probably should have clued me in long ago. But, you know, hindsight and all. Likewise, I also tended to be sexually attracted to more masculine/rougher/work with your hands type of men when it came to age-appropriate (for lack of better term) men, but I found that I never really felt any romantic attraction to them. I don't feel secure with them, and constantly trying to be more feminine/less naturally dominant put me in a constant state of anxiety.

Submissive men worship the ground I walk on, but they weren't really what I was looking for, because most of them were on the extreme end of submissive and rather feminine in energy, and often cross into BDSM territory. I have no issues with BDSM, and do like to play with my dominant side from time to time, but only in a sexual way. It's not something I want as a lifestyle or in a relationship. When it comes to sex, I also like being more submissive at times, depending on the mood. And I'm really not into pain or bondage or any of that. More of a sexual servant/slave thing, which requires a highly sexual man, which most very submissive men aren't.

After long deliberation, I decided to withdraw from the dating game completely after that relationship ended (at 35). I haven't made any effort to date since and haven't dated since. I came to the conclusion that I'm simply not what men look for, and I was actually all right with that. I felt more relief than anything else at finally being done dating.

A couple of months ago, I was watching youtube videos, and I stumbled across (of all things) the tiktok kiss your best friend challenge. So ... I clicked. Call me a sucker. I do get romantic from time to time, even if it's rare. And lord and behold, the sight of all those young men sent a surge of giddiness and happiness through me that I hadn't experienced in almost 20 years. My, I hate to say this, but I almost felt alive...lol I noticed that I found the high majority of them very attractive, when before, with men of my own age, I found maybe one per year attractive, at best. I also noticed that strong flutter of romantic attraction that I hadn't felt in ages (well, 19 years). The sexual attration is there as well, but it's much softer/playful than it is with men my age.

I realized what I liked most about those young men is their energy. They haven't really come into their own yet, haven't really turned into the confident male yet. It's that softer, more innocent, shyer, less confident energy that I am really drawn to. Which, seeing how naturally masculine/dominant I am, actually makes perfect sense. A lot of them haven't found their ranking in the natural scale of dominance yet. It's a beautiful mix of the hint of the masculinity they're about to grow into, but there is also still a willingness to submit and follow the lead, but in a very non-feminine way. It's hard to describe.

It hit me kind of hard that instead of withdrawing from the dating scene, I probably should have simply looked for a different kind of man. There's that hindsight again. Oh, well. I'm not sure if I'll ever date seriously again, but I'm definitly planning on actually having sex again, maybe even friends with benefits relationships, now that I figured out that there actually are men out there I'm highly attracted to. I was starting to think there was something seriously wrong with me for not feeling attraction for a single man in over seven years despite an extremely high sex drive (done wore out my toys, and I think I've watched every minute of porn available on the internet by now)

Sorry it got so long.

After reading through a lot of these posts and doing some research online, I have a question for fellow women, though. Cougars often get asked what attracts them to younger men, and after reading their answers and general advice to cubs, I noticed one thing I found very interesting.

I know every cougar is different, but there seems to be a general theme. Cougars often describe an articulate, intelligent, mature, well-dressed man. When I hear the descriptions and advice, the first thing I picture is an older, cultured man, around 45-55 years of age. Business suit or business casual, well-groomed.

Basically, the opposite of a young man.

This kind of surprises me, because I would think that cougars like younger men because they're not those type of men. Is the attraction more in being able to mold a young man into the one you prefer or molding/guiding him, in general? Or is it more of the younger look? Once again, I know women's reasons are different. But it almost seems to me like I'm one of the only women here who likes the young man because he is a young man - aka, not yet the one the majority of cougars describe. If I wanted a man with all those qualities or that kind of energy, I'd probably go for an older man.

It seems to be somewhat of a contradiction to me.

It's very interesting to hear from other cougars :)

Edit: (do I have to write that out?) Thanks for the welcomes and reponses.

I do think I'm interpreting some things wrong. It would be interesting to see what the men think and how they interpret some of the requirements. It was also interesting to see it confirmed how extremely different we women are when it comes to tastes in men.

I figured the masculine/feminine dominant/submissive thing would be misinterpreted. That's why I usually try not to use those terms. I worked with animals my whole life, and the actual dynamic of it versus what humans think when they hear those terms is totally different. The funny part is that humans don't realize that it applies to them the same as it does to animals, and that they actually react the same.

I decided a better term than submissive might be "a remaining hint of childlike innocense". Not yet hardened by life. And certainly not yet hardened into what society expects of a "man". They still react more in ways that come natural to them, rather than trying to use conditioned responses. Most "jocks" and more confident young men, for example, no longer have that childlike innocense. The young man, for example, who got kissed back by a woman he liked and has a hard time containing the giddy excitment that is threatenining to bubble over still has that childlike innocense. He might even let go and gives the air a fist pump. There's still an enthusiasm and awe and joy that us older adults (men and women alike) have often either forgotten about or taught ourselves not to feel too much.

Same goes for confidence/dominance

The confident/dominant type - I have a plan. I'm going to do it. (often accompanied by "try to stop me."
The dominant/less confident type - "I have a plan. I'm ready to do it. I know what I'm doing. Just say when. Give me the go ahead, and I'll get right on it." There is that mix of dominance, enough confidence, with a hint of submitting to another authority, a hint of shyness that I was talking about. And at this time (and possibly always), they're ok with leaving the ultimate say to the other. But once they have the ok, they take over.
The neutral/balanced types (the healthy middle) - We make a plan together, we make decisions together. We work together. They can shift into more take-charge when needed, but are also happy letting another lead. Sometimes they take charge, other times they let the other take charge.
The submissive, more confident type - "I need detailed instructions. Tell me the plan, and I'll do it. I if I have questions, I'll get back to you." They don't like making decisions, they don't like being in charge. But they follow really well, they execute decisions other make really well, even on their own. Unless something goes wrong, then they go back to the person in charge for new directions.
The submissive/less confident type - "What do you mean, go ahead? Go ahead and what? How about YOU do it? That would make me feel much better. At least, tell me exactly what you want me to do every little step of the way." They're uncomfortable working on their own, even with instructions. They need constant guidance.

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4 years ago