Hello, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I feel like this fits. I'm very confused and I don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. I'm sorry that it's a bit long, but I'd be appreciative of any insight from both cougars and cubs.

Also, this isn't asking for dating advice (but I suppose I'd be open to it if it's offered), but I felt telling the story would help better understand where I'm coming from. I'm mostly trying to figure out myself and where to go from this experience. Throwaway account because I feel very self-conscious.

To start, I've always dated younger guys. Not because I sought them out, but I just vibed better with them. I also physically look younger for my age, so dating has always been a strange experience for me. When I was in my 20s, I'd get hit on by teenagers and find out from guys my own age that they didn't approach me because they thought I was "jail bait". So, I mostly dated guys 3-5 years younger than me who often looked older than me.

A few years ago I met this guy who I thought was about 5 years younger than me, possibly 10. The age gap didn't bother me. I told him how old I was and he didn't seem to be bothered by it. We became friends and I enjoyed his company. He was a very private person and didn't like talking about his family or about himself. I liked hearing his perspective on various topics and I grew quite fond of him, but we kept things platonic. Then one day he disappears. I was hurt and confused. In hindsight, I could've handled things better. It's a reoccurring theme.

A few weeks pass and he reaches out to me. No explanation and he acts like nothing happened. We pick up our friendship again, but now it's not just platonic. To be clear, he was still vague about his age, but he told me he was over 18. At the time I didn't know what we were, but it was more than friends. Then he started acting strange, telling me he wants me, but he shouldn't and disappears again. This time I'm heartbroken.

Months go by and it was very difficult, but eventually I force myself to move on even though I still missed him. Then out of the blue he sends me a message apologizing for what he did and wanting to be friends again. After some thought I accepted it. I told myself I was going to have stricter boundaries. I am ashamed to admit that I couldn't do it. I tried to refuse him, but he kept pursuing and I gave in. He was more open with me this time, but not completely and I tried to stand up for myself when I felt I wasn't being treated fairly. I was trying to date other guys at the time too. They were younger than me and in their 20s, but I think it was because they reminded me of him. I think he felt like I wasn't always available, but didn't ask why and he pulled another disappearing act.

We didn't talk for a year. I reached out to him because I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't tell him what I really wanted to say for fear of appearing pathetic. That I missed him. That I thought about him all the time wondering if he was doing well. That I longed to talk with him again. Instead, I said it was water under the bridge and asked if he wanted to be friends. It started off good. We shared some things we hadn't told each other before. I was happy. But it didn't last long until he started to act strange again. Avoidant behaviors. I felt like this time we could maybe talk it through, so I tried to create a safe space and open up a discussion about how I was feeling. I didn't expect what happened next.

There was a woman (early 30s) he was friends with who I'd never met, but heard about from his other friends. I got the impression they had been spending a lot of time together. Well, I got a barrage of messages from her accusing me of "grooming" him and threatening me to stay away from him. Apparently she knew some things about our relationship, so he must've told her. She also told me she was jealous because she could tell when we were together that there was something between us and she wanted what she couldn't have. I have no idea if he was aware that she contacted me because he blocked me before that. I don't think his other friends knew, but we stopped talking after he stopped talking to me. I didn't try to contact him or ask his friends about him. I was terrified by her threats, even if they were empty. I blamed myself for being stupid and getting into this situation. I blamed myself even more for still missing him and caring if he was doing well or not.

This is where I'm at now. I had resigned myself that this relationship could never work because it was clear to me that the people around him would never accept it. I wondered if he was ashamed of the age gap. If that was why he acted the way he did and ran away those times. When I was dating other guys during the silence periods, I had someone tell me that as much as he cared about me and would like to be with me, he couldn't get over the age gap. It messed me up because I thought that's how almost everyone thought because "grooming" seems to be a popular accusation these days and everyone is so obsessed with age. I was happy to see there are places like this sub where that stigma doesn't exist.

All of this has been devastating for me and it's really messed me up for dating and talking to guys. I should probably talk to a therapist, but unfortunately I can't afford one. So, any advice or insight from your own experiences I would be so grateful for.