My cougar(f55) and I (38m) met 14 years I was roughly 23 at the time and she was the sexiest woman I ever met. We had a very up and down relationship. We both strayed and we were both the jealous kind- I was young and she was wild but when we were solid we were solid. We both only wanted eachother but due to my issues with my family not accepting it I would push back and i fully regret it. She is my best friend and I miss her dearly my heart hurts constantly and I'm not sure if she has moved on or not. She claims she hasn't but I'm not sure; I dont know if it's a ploy to get me out of my current situation or not. My partner is an amazing person who has supported me tremendously but I cant let go of the person that I grew up with me over the last 14 years. I know it makes me a terrible person, but she knows about it and even told me she sometimes talks to an ex as well. I think we would be better friends as we are not intimate and she wants a baby- I'm not ready for. I know I do not make my partner happy and I disappoint her. My cougar was more than sex we were best friends. It would break my heart when she would seek attention from others. I do talk to her every day, she makes me laugh. I was unhappy with a lot of things when I left mainly the guy that she continued to hang out with that would bully me because he was jealous- but I dont know what she would tell him, about their relationship. I'm not sure if I'm just thinking of the good times and overlooking all the bad. I do believe she is my soul mate, but I worry if she just tells me that...she constantly contacts my partner and screenshots my conversations and call logs. She harasses her and I just want to have a clean break with my partner, so we can move on and she can find the happiness she deserves. But she will send stuff to her and its hurtful and makes me wonder why is she doing this, my partner doesnt deserve ANY of this- including what I am putting her through. I do in a lot of ways want my old life back, I've caused pain to this poor person who never deserved it and just wanted to be loved, but I cant let go of my best friend. I worry it's a ploy and should I just move forward alone. She gives me time stamps to leave her, and says it's easy to just walk out, and yes it could be that easy, but this poor person deserves a conversation, along with honesty and respect. My best friend claims she will never talk to me if I don't leave by a certain time etc it's not that I'm not ready it's just I want to have a true meaningful respectful conversation and I'm struggling because I know what I'm doing is wrong, but then again I want to be happy with the one person that makes me happy.