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Now in 40s, looking back on my cub experience in my 20s
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I was trying to share this in cougarsandcubs but this is a throwaway account and I don’t have the karma. It’s long but just wanted to share my story with genuine people that understand age gap relationships.

When I was in my 20s I met a woman who was in her 50s. She was my first time and we had a pretty steady and unique relationship that had zero drama, and I am forever appreciative of that.

Though there were women over the years that had interest in me I had a tremendous amount of social anxiety that made me so awkward. Looking back I pushed away women because of my awkwardness. I had no guidance on social skills and needed therapy as well from a neglectful and abusive childhood. It took me years to understand that, sadly.

Young men reading this: if you suffer from similar issues try therapy as soon as you can to learn about yourself and boundaries. It can save yourself and others hurt, heartache and pain.

Looking back I really enjoyed my relationship with her. We spent a lot of time together. She was so laid back and it was just what I needed to open up to someone. However over time as i gained a little confidence I started thinking. Since I did not have experience with women around my age I wanted to explore that. So I broke things off with her because I did not want to stay for too long and hurt her. She was also very mature and ok about this.

Not much longer after that I met a woman through online dating. She was 9 years older. The age gap to me was negligible and I liked her very much. I overlooked far too many red flags. I was simply happy to be with somebody. But that is not enough to make a relationship work.

We dated for close to a year and had an unexpected pregnancy. We married and I tried to be a dutiful and loving husband but I was never enough for her in the marriage. If we had dated longer before the pregnancy we would have seen we were obviously not right for each other. As you can see I went from a zero drama relationship to a big time drama. And I was not fully prepared.

She had mood swings and health issues and I became the focal point of her resentment. I tend to freeze up in confrontation so we were not a good match at all. We tried to make things work. She was vocal about what she disliked in me but she would not listen to what I felt her issues were. She was unable to do any work on the marriage, to her it was “all my fault.” So it all fell away like a house of cards. Ten long years of hell and now we are divorced and coparenting. We are both much happier away from each other. Our child is doing fantastic and thriving.

I’m now in my 40s and looking back fondly at my time with my first relationship. It was so laid back that I think it lulled me into a false sense of security at the time. I needed a lot more experience and guidance before the “big leagues” of marriage and a baby. But our marriage and child was not exactly planned so we did the best we could.

I’ve looked her up on social media and thought of just reaching out and seeing how she is doing. Thanking her maybe. But I don’t want her to get the wrong impression. It was so long ago now and so much has changed. She must be nearly 70 now.

I learned the hard way that you need to really learn about yourself before you learn about others or offer yourself in a relationship of any kind. You need to learn boundaries. No matter what relationship you are in. If you are not stable about who you are you will be knocked down over and over. Without boundaries you will learn the hard way about life. Currently I’m just staying single and healing myself. Focusing on being a great dad.

Wish you all well!

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Profile updated: 3 days ago

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Posted
1 year ago