I’ve been on a really long journey of depression, anxiety, cptsd, and working hard to move forward past trauma. It’s been really hard. All I want to do is cry, but I can’t. In fact, I’m numb most the time, food has no flavor a good bit of the time, I could go on… but today I recognized it, acknowledged it, and decided not to succumb to the horrible feeling. I made it to work, I’m getting my work done, holding conversation, and even bought a ticket to a concert to go to by myself where I have no idea who’s playing and only 2 of the 4 bands have songs I can even find. I just feel like despite how awful I feel, how alone I am, how frequent I feel I’m an awful person, I am conquering and fighting the good fight today and that’s progress.

I have no one to talk to so I’m posting here.

I wanted to add an update now that I’m up and moving around again:

I first want to say I’m alive lol and definitely want to thank everyone for the words of encouragement. I struggle with individual responses when I’m depressed and it stresses me out so I wanted to mass say I really needed it and helped me a lot. Especially at about 4 on Friday when I began to hit an extreme low and almost just said f it to the plans, but I pushed through in order to not let myself or you guys down and I’m beyond glad I did. I got to the venue at like 6 and met a lot of random, cool people, impromptu skipped the first band to join the womens’ rights march on the capitol/protest at the capital in our city then came back for the later bands and had a blast. It drained me for sure, but I’d say it was worth it. Now to try and struggle through the rest of the mess that is my life and pop out the other side well off and in a good space (that’s my goal and I’m gonna work to it). I appreciate everyone’s encouragement so much. I’ve been really down lately and I’m definitely going to keep looking back to this the next time I think I shouldn’t do this or that due to depression. Now I’m gonna go be depressed while I’m out grabbing food. Gotta force being social.