Can we just talk about medicine commercials for a second? You know the ones—the overly cheerful people frolicking in a field of daisies, living their absolute best lives as if they’ve just been blessed with eternal youth, all thanks to some wonder drug with a name that sounds like a rejected superhero: “Ask your doctor if Drowzeeza or Flibberflux is right for you!” Spoiler alert: it’s probably not.

Let's break it down: the first 10 seconds are basically a stock footage montage. There’s always a grandma laughing way too hard with her grandkids, a man FINALLY getting that big golf swing, and a dog—there’s always a dog—bounding across the screen like it’s just seen heaven in the form of kibble. All this while the narrator assures you that their miracle drug is about to fix whatever is wrong with you.

Then...bam! The descent into hell begins. Suddenly, the cheerful tune shifts, and now the narrator is speed-reading side effects faster than I can down a glass of wine on a bad day. “May cause nausea, dizziness, uncontrollable twitching, hallucinations, hair loss, spontaneous combustion, and an overwhelming urge to join a local yodeling club.” And the best part? All of this is happening while the cheerful grandma is still frolicking! How is she even alive after taking this stuff?

Don’t get me started on the final line: “Ask your doctor if Insert-Unpronounceable-Drug-Here is right for you.” Oh, you mean the doctor I see once a year who already tells me I'm falling apart because of my diet, stress levels, and questionable life choices? Sure, let me just ask if I can add hallucinations to my list of problems. Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.

Here’s a novel idea: how about instead of spending millions on these awful commercials, you just make the drugs affordable and effective? Just a thought. Or at the very least, give me a warning before I see that dog with the unnaturally shiny coat bounding across the screen again. I just can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster.