Perfume commercials, honestly, are like an assault on common sense wrapped in a cloud of overpriced nonsense. They’re always drenched in sepia tones, because apparently, a filter that makes everything look like a faded postcard from the 1970s will make us think a scent is timeless. And then there are the celebrities. Of course, there's a brooding actor or an enigmatic supermodel staring into the distance like they've just discovered the meaning of life — except it's just a bottle of fragrance they're holding with reverence usually reserved for holy relics.

Every commercial has that pretentious voiceover with abstract phrases like "Feel the freedom," or "Discover the forbidden." Freedom? It’s a bottle of chemicals, not a life philosophy. And forbidden? If it were that forbidden, they wouldn’t be playing this ad 20 times a day between reality TV episodes. All I get from these ads is a confusing montage of sultry gazes, slow-motion ocean waves, and a horse running for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, I’m left thinking, “How exactly does this relate to smelling like vanilla and citrus?”

These ads are proof that if you throw a sexy celebrity in front of a vague narrative and add some artsy sepia shots, people will buy anything. But I don’t need to be seduced by a whispering supermodel or watch Johnny Depp look forlornly into the distance to decide I need to smell nice. Honestly, just give me the price, the scent notes, and a coupon. Save the budget on horses galloping through sand dunes and just make the perfume not cost $200.