Backstory: I (34F) and my boyfriend (38M), Steven, have been together for 3 years. About 2 years ago, we moved across country together for work and our lives have changed drastically. We realized right away our two incomes would not suffice for a comfortable living situation. I bartend as trade, and immediately found an excellent part time job to cover any fun expenses.

Flash forward to now, and I am working constantly. My “part-time” job has taken consistent advantage of me as they quickly fired two bartenders upon my hire. I was under the assumption more would be hired, but instead they have pushed me into full time status despite my complaints. The money is fantastic, so it definitely took a while for the exhaustion to outweigh the benefit but I need to quit this job because I cannot continue working 6 doubles every week. Not to say I won’t quickly find another employer who will better uphold the “part-time” agreement, but with all this to say, my option to quit has been halted.

My boyfriend is very unhappy with his job. He wants to quit, with no plan in place. We have no connections in this state whatsoever, and that worries me significantly. I want him to be happy, but I’ll be completely honest in saying that I am exhausted. I have had no life for over a year, working 80 hours a week. I pay for mostly everything now, with rent being the only thing we split because that’s fair given our income differences. If he quits, we won’t be pressed for cash for a while as working two full time jobs has its advantages$$. Though, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

So I will be the first to admit, I did not handle the situation well. I told him, “you need to suck it up and be a man and work through it”. He obviously did not take this well and now thinks I do not value his happiness. I’m constantly looking for job opportunities for him, and he is trying to find a new job while still employed but his mental health meter is quickly depleting. My mental health meter no longer exists. I am a zombie, to say the least.

Redditors, comforters, and anyone who is willing to help: how do I navigate this situation? As of now, I think his happiness triumphs my exhaustion but how do I keep from getting stuck in this daily revolving door of clock ins and outs? AITA for not letting him quit a job he hates?

KEY FACTS I LEFT OUT!!:

Edit: Our two incomes alone were more than enough to suffice our living situation. My taking the second job was my decision. That third income is for everything else that is life. The fun, the adventure, the additional savings, etc. He was not keen of the idea initially.

Edit 2: Steven is not entirely reliant on my income. It’s just how our finances even out at the moment. The job he currently has is (or was) his dream job. We moved for this job. We’ve planned our future based on this career path and him quitting would set us back even further than where we started. I’ll burn out before we ever catch back up….honestly the whole idea just terrifies me…

UPDATE!

Comforters, yall are amazing. Just wanted to say that first, I appreciate everyone’s help in this situation! I think a lot of people are under the impression that we need three incomes in order to survive financially. My second job was never supposed to be full time, nor is it Steven’s fault that I am working as much as I am. It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me.

Using the word “job” was easily the worst thing I could have done lol Steven and I both have careers, so quitting isn’t just leaving some job, but an entire future as well as added benefits including health insurance.

A little backstory detail, when Steven accepted this transfer, it was a step up. However, in the two years he has worked for this location, his position title was eliminated in brand restructuring. Which put him back down to the title he had prior to transferring. So now he is making over the salary cap and has no chance for raises or promotions due to the restructuring. It’s completely absurd, and to make matters worse, this location is refusing to endorse a transfer knowing it will be impossible to replace him as the position no longer “exists”. (I’m trying really hard to make this not confusing, I apologize if it is!) This is why he wants to quit, and why this whole situation has been difficult.

That being said, with the help of many commenters, Steven and I had one heck of a talk last night. Get this, he wants me to quit my second job too. He hates seeing me like this, and worries about my health significantly. However, going down to only one income is certainly not the solution. It’s doable, but not sustainable. We both agree he cannot quit his job without another lined up, which was a very constant theme in many comments. He admitted that the morning he said he was going to quit was just him having a moment, but it showed me that he is struggling far more than he is willing to admit.

For some good news, Steven reached out to his old boss, who was able to endorse a few of his transfer applications to other locations. He has two interviews lined up now at different locations!!

But here’s why I think I’m the ahole… If I can support him, why shouldn’t I? Why is it so difficult for me to have faith that everything will work out? I know he wouldn’t stand for me working two jobs and he working none, at least not for long. BUT THIS FEAR, I cannot explain…is eating at me.