I've been in higher education since I was fifteen. I am now 21 and so fucking done. I wanted to detail my journey in a rant here, and I really don't mind if no one sees it. Its mostly for myself, honestly.

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Starting off as a young, fresh 15 year old girl. I hated high school/public school in general. I went to a school that prioritized sports over most other things (smalltown USA, amirite?) and I am the furthest thing from athletic I could be without being a literal lump of clay. I swam competitively for maybe four years for a rival school district but even then, I just was mediocre. I just didn't fit. So after my freshman year of HS, I dropped out. My mom decided she'd home school me and send me to the local community college instead so that I could get a jump start on college. All fine and dandy, yeah? Sure. why not? I started there and i had a blast for a while, got stalked for a semester and a half, lost my taste for the community college vibe and decided to load up on classes to finish high school credits and gtfo.

I finished everything and I applied to a four year university (Bible college. not a great call on my part but it was my parents and I's decision so of course it would be a bible college as they are christians). Left for there a month before I turned 18 and couldn't have been happier. I was finally out of my shitty hometown, with like minded people who were just trying to learn and live life as freshly minted "adults". Tons of fun. But this school was very difficult. If I recall correctly, you needed a 94 or higher to earn an A, across the school, no exceptions. As well as that, you were required to minor in Bible and Theology. Which was fine, it ended up being interesting but also entirely not useful. I spent two years (ish) there and I only had to call a suicide hotline once! yay.

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Summer of 2018 I was taking summer classes and decided I hated it and didn't want to do it anymore. Much to the chagrin of my parents, I decided to drop from enrollment and take some time off. I'd not gotten a chance to decide what I wanted and I only knew I didn't want to pursue a degree in Counseling and Therapy. So I took the summer off and worked a normal retail job. This was the most normal, all american summer I have ever had and probably will ever have in my life. I spent time hanging out at a friends pool, met my (now ex) boyfriend through a good friend and roommate and had so so much fun. Lost my virginity at the tender age of 19, as well, which went better than expected and happened earlier than expected due to my conservative upbringing (again, much to the chagrin of my parents). After that summer, I took off a whole ass semester because I had no direction and would NOT be caught DEAD going back to that school. And then I decided to move back to my home state to finish my education and just get it over with. I thought it would be cheaper and faster. I was wrong.

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This brings us to January of 2019. At this point, I had been doing higher level classes for four years and I still had a year and a half or more to go. I didn't even know how much more I needed to graduate. I transferred to a state college two hours away from my hometown and realized that I would just need to put my head down and plow through the rest of this. I didn't really have a choice. My parents wouldn't have let me take more time off without pulling out of financially supporting me, so I had to do it. And I did. My first semester here was spent skipping nearly all my classes, letting my GPA drop from a 3.5 to a 2.2 and staying in bed almost all the time. I was depressed and stressed and I felt cornered. Like I had been tricked into something that was the last thing I'd choose for myself. And stuck as hell because I was NOT about to transfer AGAIN. I'd moved so much by this point (moved floors and dorms every single semester and got a new roommate every time. I've been through probably 13 or 14 of them by now and a solid 85 percent have sucked ass), that I was just gonna stick it out. That semester ended, I spent the summer back in TN with all my old friends and my boyfriend and then had to come back. That semester, I had more shitty roommates, almost died from alcohol poisoning (do NOT let anyone feed you shots. if you have friends who won't stop giving them to you after you're plastered, even if you ask for more, get new friends) and stayed lonely af.

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Moved out of that apartment into a new one a little bit off campus (still covered by tuition tho) and that brings me to this semester. I'm ONE SEMESTER away from graduation. seven goddamn classes away. I've finished my major and all that's left is to finish my minor. I would be done in May, but I had so many irrelevant bible classes from the last place that my minor is taking longer to finish than I had expected. I'm so fucking close, man. Five years of this shit and I can literally SEE the freedom. I apply for graduation in October, hopefully and will be finished in December. This year I have turned 21, I broke up with that boyfriend and managed to maintain a mature friendship with him, which has been nice. I adopted two wonderful little furballs (two guinea pigs names theodore and flynn) and I've made some good friends here finally, as well. I also just moved from part time to full time working in my field, before I even have the degree. I was working two jobs before and thankfully was able to quit the dead ender and dedicate my time to something I am passionate about. I love my work and I'm learning to love the life I make for myself.

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If you made it this far, damn. I'm proud of you, I would have exited ASAP rocky after seeing the length. And also, kudos to you. Chances are, you're like me, stuck in college and trying to make the best of it. Lemme tell you. It does NOT get easier. But sometimes the shitty parts get a little better. And then you graduate the next semester haha. But all things considered, you GOT this. whether you've got a disability, you're completely normal and just trying to get through it or you LOVE school and cant wait to get your masters, you got this and you can do whatEVER you put your mind to, that's the MF truth. And for those who might not have a good support system or have family and friends who don't understand college or why you'd wanna go... I am proud of you! You're doing amazing and don't let any ignorant people convince you that it's all for nothing. This is a part of your future and you can always say you did it, even if you don't end up in the field you got your degree in. You did that! You're doing that! and it's gonna be awesome.

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peace and love

jude

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TL:DR : I've been stuck in higher education for five years and will graduate in december. I felt like ranting about it ;)