Hey guys and gals,

So essentially here is what's up. I am 27 [M] and I come from a lower class background [I grew up with a blind mother and my father was an immigrant from lebanon absent from my life since age 5]. My brother turned to drugs to the extent of becoming an addict and making a lot of my childhood hell, it was to the extent that the house may as well have been a "crackhouse" and I was forced to drop out of high school both from the physical abuse from him; as well as, the psychological stress of feeling that my safety was at risk. He ended up surviving multiple overdoses and going to prison after his 3rd felony [only did 4 years despite being a sex offender and assaulting a police officer]

But I digress . . .

The point being was my childhood was hard for various reasons and all I ever wanted to do was attend college and create a life for my future family that was free of all of the horror I experienced in my young age. I couldn't afford college due to being poor and I felt as though without a strong sense of a good father figure, the only way I'd learn to become "a man" and have a semblance of discipline and order was to join the US military via the Air Force.

I went on to doing something that I dreamed of [working in avionics as an electrical specialist for bombers] and did that for a short amount of time; however, the partner I was with at the time was emotionally very abusive and drove me to near suicide [among other issues of work place hazing going on that begun after I was in a car accident that had me out of duty for awhile]. I ended up attempting suicide due to everything I was going through, and had to leave the service due to the fact that well . . . Understandably they are concerned perhaps with someone working around bombers that is expressing psychological instability, regardless if it is warranted or not.

I ended up feeling like a colossal failure and returning back to civilian life able to finally attend college and live out "my dreams." I started a Computer Science degree, finished my 2 years at a community college with a 4.0 and transferred to where I am now in senior year sitting at a 3.8 GPA. I have lost my passion for this particular field and it's made me less competitive in an already over-saturated market/field. I didn't realize going into it that academia was so behind industry in this field that my degree [arguably] is a bit useless without those industry relevant skills. I had an interview for a software engineering position and it totally crushed my self-esteem for succeeding within this space admittedly; among other experiences.

So despite all my efforts that thinking college would prepare me to begin a career, I feel like I am already kind of . . . well, failing again. Even worse now, I have a partner who I love and support and I am flooded with self-doubts. My current plan is to finish my degree and try to get into law school [preferably a highly ranked one if possible]. The issue from what I hear is that they care about your GPA, but not so much your major for admissions. I am at a disadvantage inherently in that regard due to the rigor of my major and competing against say . . . an English major for a higher GPA.

In essence, I find that despite my efforts, I am always behind. I am always behind someone who didn't have a life like me [i.e., they have a loving 2 parent house-hold, resources to have prepared them to be more educated than I am currently at a younger age, no violence plaguing their youth, etc.] and it's soul-crushing. I truly feel that if I cannot get into one of these selective institutions and have a fruitful career then I feel like my previous failures and this cycle of reoccurring "failure" reaffirms that I am in fact, a failure.

I am scared of facing this reality and with each passing day I move closer to the fact that I will have to face this potential reality. I am a first generation college student, a first generation veteran, I broke the cycle of poverty and toxicity within my family and yet . . . I feel like a failure because I fall short of the grace of my goals and I desperately wish I would be more developed than I am now. It hurts my soul to type this even in this very moment and I know all I can do is my best, but dear god does it hurt if I put my heart and soul into something and my best isn't good enough. It especially hurts because now I have a partner with a child who I hope to marry and my failures can now effect more than just myself.

TL;DR:
I’m a 27-year-old who overcame a tough childhood—my father was absent, my mother was blind, and my brother struggled with drug addiction and abuse, which led me to drop out of high school. I joined the Air Force to find discipline and achieved my dream of working in avionics, but mental health struggles forced me to leave. I went back to civilian life and started a Computer Science degree, but now, in my senior year with a 3.8 GPA, I’ve lost my passion for the field. I feel unprepared for the industry and crushed by self-doubt, especially after a tough interview for a software engineering position.

I’m considering law school but feel like I’m always behind compared to people with more supportive backgrounds. It’s soul-crushing because, despite breaking cycles of poverty and family toxicity, I fear that I’m still failing. This fear weighs on me even more now that I have a partner and her child, and I worry my struggles will affect more than just me. It hurts knowing that even though I’ve put my heart and soul into this, it may not be enough.