So, I (F17) am deep into my first year of college and feeling lost. I'm currently studying mechanical engineering, and I don't know if it's the right path for me. However, I can't change my major, or my mother will get upset. She keeps convincing me that I would make an amazing engineer and that I have a natural gift for it. She believes the only reason I don’t want to pursue it is because of my toxic engineering teacher back in high school. I feel like I can't make my own decisions.

I don’t know what else I can do, even if I decide to change my major without my mother knowing, engineering and STEM are all I know. I keep telling myself that I'm young and just don't know what I want. Who knows? Maybe I’ll learn to enjoy it in the future, but right now, I’m just not passionate about it. My mother is upset with me for not being more proactive about attending engineering events or applying for engineering internships and scholarships, but I just don’t have the drive to do so. I approach my schoolwork as if it’s a class in high school that I’ll never take again, trying not to focus on the fact that this is likely my life now.

On the flip side, I can't say I completely dislike engineering; it’s hard to dislike something you haven’t fully experienced yet. Maybe when I get into the industry itself, I'll enjoy the work or at least tolerate it.

One thing I do like, though, is writing and drawing, but the problem is that I don't know if that's the right path for me either. I can never justify doing it, and when I do sit down to write or draw, I quickly feel drained. I might write a couple of pages and then just feel bored. Is this a sign that I don’t enjoy doing these things? Maybe I'm more intrigued by the idea of doing them than the act itself. But it’s all I think about. I love coming up with story ideas and drawing concept art for them, but when it comes time to actually create, I get this fear that prevents me from making anything. I desperately want to.

I envy those people who can just create—those who set out to write 30 pages and actually do it. Why can’t I be like them? I can't seem to finish anything I start. I would rather sit down and dissociate than get up and try. I've never finished anything I’ve set out to do for myself that wasn’t required for school. At this point, I think there’s something wrong with me. I would try harder to pursue writing and art if I could just finish something, but I can’t, so I didn’t. I'm such a perfectionist that I would rather not write at all than write something bad, practically wasting my time that could have been spent on schoolwork.

I just want some advice on what I should do and how to approach it. Is there anyone who can relate to what I'm going through? Thank you.