Sometimes I wish I was blissfully ignorant.

I’ve been trying to do things that make me happy, in between my own anxiety around money and capitalism and the destruction of the planet 😅

But it feels like the intrusive thoughts are so loud. It’s like I can’t enjoy a moment at a beach, a forest, etc. without my brain being like, “the earth is dying,” and “someday this will all be gone.” “This won’t matter. This will end.” “You’re so happy right now, it’ll all be taken away due to this out of your control.” “This memory will flash before your eyes when you die. When it all burns.”

“Wow, what a beautiful day at the beach. It’s getting hotter and this is how it starts.” “This is how it begins, don’t enjoy this weather.” Scattered thoughts of doom.

I make steps where I can. I’m plant based. I practice minimalism. I clean litter off the beach and try to recycle and learn how to garden. It just all feels overwhelming.

I’m falling in love. I’m going to school. I’m trying to take care of myself. I feel guilty for being happy. I am luckier than most. I have a house, I have food in my fridge, I have a great job. I’m in debt but I will never chip away, so I’m grateful to be able to pay the minimum amount. I have a clean bill of health. I can have access to resources and books and cool places.

I want to cry all the time. I feel bittersweet about everything. I worry about my family. My dad. How someday he’ll be gone and I won’t know how to continue living. I worry I won’t see my sister or my grandma or my cousin before it all comes crashing down. I worry I’ll never get out of Florida because the economy sucks. My head is just a box of hornets.

The people in my life share the same concern for the environment, but, like many others, we feel hopeless. We have to just keep going, slaves to the system, and it is crushing.