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*#DramaAlert*

[Red velvet curtains drag across a black stage, revealing behind them an Azerbaijani-Armenian man wearing a black Homburg hat and a matching black suit. He sits behind a rather plain desk, though strewn across the surface of the desk are an assortment of trinkets. Directly in front of him sits a square, thin plank of wood adorned with several logos of popular products, modified to feature a red K, expertly painted onto the surface of the wood.

Squarely in the center of the wood, a red and white globe with the words "Drama Alert" painted across the equator is painted taking most of the space on the plank. To the right of the plank sits a classic red-and-white bucket of buttered popcorn, while to the left a cup of water sits.

The man sat behind the desk looks intensely ahead, his oddly thick, yet straight beard seems meticulously groomed to avoid covering his mouth or lips at all and indeed comes to a single point going directly down, holding its shape in an almost unnatural way.

Once the curtains have finished withdrawing, the man thrusts forward into his monologue with a voice most would mistake for a young childs.]

"WHAAAAATTT ISSSS UUUUUPPPP DRAMA NAYSHION. I'M YOUR HAWST, KILLER KEEEEEEEEMSTARRRRRRR LEEEEEEET'S GHEEEET RIIIGHT"

The man pauses for a single, shallow breath.

"INTO THE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Continuing his frantic pace and high volume, the host, Killer Keemstar, immediately launched into his next words.

"Soooo ABOUT A YEAR AGO, BRITISH SECURITY in the KING DAVID HOTEL HAD A BIT OF A, SHALL WE CALL IT, FUCKY-WUCKY AND THE PRIME MINISTER DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED." The host throws his arms out wildly, gesticulating with violent gestures with each word he puts emphasis upon.

The host pouts with his lips, raises his eyebrows, and stares directly into the eyes of an audience member.

"But that's OLD NEWS we ALREADY KNEW ABOUT THAT BECAUSE ON DRAMA ALERT WE GET YOU THE FRESHEST DRAMA RIGHT FROM THE SOURCE AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS. The NEW drama is that CHAIRMAN OF THE JEWISH AGENCY FOR PALESTINE took until JUST YESTERDAY to FINALLY drop a RESPONSE." Paper shuffling is heard around the room, as copies of the recent press releases of Ben-Gurion are distributed. Continuing on, the host erupts once more. "NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU," and at this the host raises both his hands palms facing the audience, leaning back somewhat in his chair. "BUT WHEN PEOPLE DIE A YEAR IS A LITTLE LONG OF A TIME TO SAY ITS A BAD THING. BUT LEMME TELL YOU THE SECRET - IT'S BECAUSE BIG DAVID is a PUSSY and a COWARD and I WILL BE THE FIRST TO DEFEND BRITISH HONOR AND INTEGRITY BY CHALLENGING HIM TO A FIGHT THIS SATURDAY IN THE REMAINS OF THE KING DAVID HOTEL."

Standing up now, the host paces the length of the desk, careful not to step past its bounds. "IF GURION WERE A REAL MAN HE'D HAVE WALKED INTO THAT HOTEL HIMSELF AND DEFUSED THAT BOMB, BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S WEAK. I'LL PROVE IT, THIS IS MY OFFICIAL CHALLENGE, YOU, ME, THE SWEET JERUSALEM AIR, AND OUR FISTS. YOU HAVE UNTIL WEDNESDAY TO RESPOND."

After some time grunting, flexing, and gnashing his teeth for a bit, the host returns to his chair, clears his throat, and once more gesticulates wildly, throwing both forearms to their respective side, his elbows stationary on the desk. "ALLLSSSSOOOOOO in the NEWSSSS, and ladies and gentlemen PLEASE BELIEVE I had to get you this JUICY gossip right from the streets of DC, WALT DISNEY says that COMMUNISTS are EVERYWHERE IN HOLLYWOOD! THAT'S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THOSE FILMS YOU EAT UP EVERY DAY? COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES? COMMUNIST FILM. FROM TOP TO BOTTOM WALT DISNEY HIMSELF CONFIRMS THAT THE COMMUNISTS HAVE A FIRM GRIP ON THE FILM INDUSTRY IN AMERICA."

"And folks, you gotta ask yourself ladies and gentlemen, you really gotta ask yourself now." The host brings his left hand to his mouth as if in contemplation. Using his left hand now to move to several points in the air with each word, he continues; "If the communists are making movies in America, who's to say that they're not the ones making movies in Britain? And in France? And maybe even Russia!" He makes a clicking sound with his mouth, and shakes his head three times. "It's a god damned shame ladies and gentlemen it really is. The communists are VANDALIZING the GOOD film INDUSTRY and frankly, this country may never be the same because of it."

Once more throwing out his arms, he begins again. "ALSOOOOOOOOOOO IN THE NEWWWWWSSSS, I have gotten PERSONAL and VERIFIABLE reports that SEVERAL MEN have been seen coming and going from the ROOM OF BRITISH PRIME MINISTER CLEMENT ATLEE. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT. I don't know about you, BUT WHEN ANOTHER MAN HOSTS MANY OTHER MEN THROUGHOUT EACH DAY AND EACH NIGHT, you have to start asking questions, RIGHT!?"

The host raises a single index finger and ticks his head towards that finger once. "But that's not all ladies and gentlemen! No, no no no, I've also received CREDIBLE REPORTS that PRIME MINISTER CLEMENT ATLEE has a CLOSE, PERSONAL relationship with KING GEORGE VI! IN FACT, I'VE HEARD THEY'RE SO CLOSE THAT THEY EVEN STAND IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT SAYING A WORD FOR HOURS ON END, JUST LOOKING AT EACH OTHER!"

"Does that sound like something a HETEROSEXUAL man would do? Does having MALE VISITORS DAY IN AND DAY OUT even during NIGHT TIME sound like something a STRAIGHT MAN would do? I think not. But you can think for yourself. These are the facts and I'm just reporting them as I see them."

[Abruptly, the velvet curtains once more swing closed, and the show seems to be over. As the audience begins filtering out of the theater confused and perturbed, a single loud "FUCK" is heard from behind the curtain.]